....and at what point do you decide you suspect enough to snoop? Is anything off limits? When we are married do we lose any expectation of privacy from our spouse?
cavenger
- Status
There are no secrets in a marriage, no matter what the cheating pols pass as laws. Just keep your sources hidden. You become a detective to protect your family, not to use it in court.
Why do you think you need to?
Why do you think you need to?
That was an overly zealous prosecutor. It's not at all the norm. DAs have a lot more on their plates.
All charges dropped against Rochester Hills man accused of reading wife's email without permission - theoaklandpress.com
All charges dropped against Rochester Hills man accused of reading wife's email without permission - theoaklandpress.com
cavenger : The point at which you decide to snoop is a personal one. We all see things differently. What red flags have led you to the point of wanted to check things out ?
As far as anything being off limits, if you really think your are being cheated on, I feel you have to do whatever it takes (and can afford, i.e. PI) to find out the truth.
And IMO, you give up rights to privacy in a marriage. You are NOT supposed to keep secrets from your spouse. If a person wants privacy, they can always be single.
As far as anything being off limits, if you really think your are being cheated on, I feel you have to do whatever it takes (and can afford, i.e. PI) to find out the truth.
And IMO, you give up rights to privacy in a marriage. You are NOT supposed to keep secrets from your spouse. If a person wants privacy, they can always be single.
G
The biggest red flag of of all is the gut that brought you here. By the time someone gets this far, there is plenty to worry about. ?.........
The biggest red flag of of all is the gut that brought you here. By the time someone gets this far, there is plenty to worry about. ?.........
All is fair in love and war. If your marriage is #1 then all else is trumped.
I believ in transaprency. So the best time for this is always. I do not have to snoop as I stay in tune with my wife. I have access to all her accounts and she mine. Kinda solves this whole thing.
Basically if you have to ask this question it is long over due. Nothing wrong with protecting your marriage. Just do not start accusing anyone of anything without reason. You can do a stealth check. If you do not have access then I would get with your spouse on transparency.
One way to breach this is to do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting.
My wife and I follow transparency and POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement. There is not privacy in marriage beyond the restroom. It is about intimacy. Get ya some.
Marriage is about Love and Respect. Trust is a by product. But realize most affairs are with folks who honestly think they are just friends. So you can trust nature in this. Blind trust is naive, lazy and and / or ambivalent.
Oh and transaprency saved my marriage. I was in an EA and my wife saved our marriage.
I believ in transaprency. So the best time for this is always. I do not have to snoop as I stay in tune with my wife. I have access to all her accounts and she mine. Kinda solves this whole thing.
Basically if you have to ask this question it is long over due. Nothing wrong with protecting your marriage. Just do not start accusing anyone of anything without reason. You can do a stealth check. If you do not have access then I would get with your spouse on transparency.
One way to breach this is to do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting.
My wife and I follow transparency and POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement. There is not privacy in marriage beyond the restroom. It is about intimacy. Get ya some.
Marriage is about Love and Respect. Trust is a by product. But realize most affairs are with folks who honestly think they are just friends. So you can trust nature in this. Blind trust is naive, lazy and and / or ambivalent.
Oh and transaprency saved my marriage. I was in an EA and my wife saved our marriage.
My gut was telling me things for about a year. But I had a thing against snooping - respecting privacy, etc. Finally, after about 1.5 years, I checked my wife's computer and found a secret gmail account. That's when I confirmed what my gut told me - an EA that had been ongoing for over a year (and unbeknownst to me had morphed into a PA). I felt badly for snooping but realized that my wife was the one who should feel ashamed - she had been cake eating for almost two years and lying directly to me and the kids.
So with regards to snooping, I would say follow your gut instincts. You may discover nothing OR you may discover that your gut was right. Either way - the sooner you can confirm, the better for all involved.
Oh, funny story too - my stbxw actually got VERY angry with me for snooping saying it was like "breaking into her house". Then she went on and on about how she no longer felt "safe". She did not have any clue about how her infidelity had blown up the "safety" of our marriage. No clue at all.
So with regards to snooping, I would say follow your gut instincts. You may discover nothing OR you may discover that your gut was right. Either way - the sooner you can confirm, the better for all involved.
Oh, funny story too - my stbxw actually got VERY angry with me for snooping saying it was like "breaking into her house". Then she went on and on about how she no longer felt "safe". She did not have any clue about how her infidelity had blown up the "safety" of our marriage. No clue at all.
Your situation richly reminds me of mine! I have always had the highest regard for privacy~ not matter whose it is! And I still do.
With regard to my STBXW, she had relegated herself to being "a night owl." When I went to bed at 10-11PM, she would largely stay up until the wee hours of the morning, sitting at my desk in my study busy on her laptop. The desk is situated against the far wall where if your sitting at it, you have your back totally turned to the two large sliding doors that open into the room.
More often than not, when I kissed her goodnight in there, telling her that I was going to "turn in," the doors were still pulled wide open. On several different occasions, when I woke up in the wee hours of the night and noticed that she still had not joined me in our bedroom just down the hall, I would walk down the hallway to the study, where she had those sliding doors totally pulled together.
Whenever I was in the process opening them, she would often scream out in terror as if someone was breaking into the house on her. Whenever asked what she was doing up at 3 or 4 in the morning, she'd just richly say that she was just chatting with her best married girlfriend from the East Coast on FB, and loving her the way I did, I always seemed to find her explanations more than plausible.
As she told a mutual friend of ours in one of her FB conversations, "Arbitrator is a sweet guy, but sometimes he just needs to get a clue!"
Well, I did get that "clue." And I also got a revelation about her as well~ and that was that she was, in reality, little more than a wealthy, self-serving cheater!
Well I asked this for a reason. My first clue was I noticed this guy saying she was pretty like her daughter etc. Which of course was "innocent" according to her. I asked her who he was and she said she didn't know. I'm thinking...but you are friends with him?? And so I did some digging into her FB messages. I found something which I would say was relationship reminiscing with lots of compliments going both ways. But no sexual talk.....just what might have been.
I have stated my opinion about what I found and there was some initial rug sweeping. I would say what I achieved was preventing the possibility of an EA. I also sent a signal to the dude that this was not okay by adding him as my friend on Facebook. I also have copies of what I need if I ever need it and know who his wife is and used that as cannon fodder. I have not contacted the guy but I am still thinking about it.
As of right now, we are okay. I really don't think anything has happened beyond what I know. And what I know is questionable as to whether it was bad to her but not to me. Again, what was achieved was sending a clear signal as to what was not okay.
Right now I feel hurt still for some of the things I read. All I know is those things I read hurt my feelings. She has said she will get off FB or block him or De friend him or whatever.
Still ....out of this I feel bad about the snooping because it signals a lack of trust which as we all know is the basis of any good relationship.
It's all given me a sour taste in my mouth and I am afraid we may have some more hurdles to get over. Right now I'm still a nervous wreck.
I have stated my opinion about what I found and there was some initial rug sweeping. I would say what I achieved was preventing the possibility of an EA. I also sent a signal to the dude that this was not okay by adding him as my friend on Facebook. I also have copies of what I need if I ever need it and know who his wife is and used that as cannon fodder. I have not contacted the guy but I am still thinking about it.
As of right now, we are okay. I really don't think anything has happened beyond what I know. And what I know is questionable as to whether it was bad to her but not to me. Again, what was achieved was sending a clear signal as to what was not okay.
Right now I feel hurt still for some of the things I read. All I know is those things I read hurt my feelings. She has said she will get off FB or block him or De friend him or whatever.
Still ....out of this I feel bad about the snooping because it signals a lack of trust which as we all know is the basis of any good relationship.
It's all given me a sour taste in my mouth and I am afraid we may have some more hurdles to get over. Right now I'm still a nervous wreck.
Snooping on my ex fiancé was one of the smartest moves I've ever done. I dodged the cuckhold bullet, big time. The heartless ***** had me convinced that because I was working so hard, our relationship was in trouble.
In the alternate universe where I didn't snoop, I would be married to *****y skank of a woman and would not have gotten the promotion I got last summer. I'd be the classic nice guy chump.
I prefer this universe wher I am now dating a sweet girl 7 years younger than my ex. Meanwhile she's a never-married 30-something who has to explain to men that she's a cheater. Only 2kinds of guys will be OK with that: a) loser betas with no pride, or b) scumbags who will **** around on her whenever they can.
Thank God I read those texts.
In the alternate universe where I didn't snoop, I would be married to *****y skank of a woman and would not have gotten the promotion I got last summer. I'd be the classic nice guy chump.
I prefer this universe wher I am now dating a sweet girl 7 years younger than my ex. Meanwhile she's a never-married 30-something who has to explain to men that she's a cheater. Only 2kinds of guys will be OK with that: a) loser betas with no pride, or b) scumbags who will **** around on her whenever they can.
Thank God I read those texts.
This primarily comes down to one thing in the USA. Does the person have an expectation of privacy.
And in marriage the letter of the law is:
- not on shared computers or shared phones
- yes for your own electronics
That said, the safest thing to do is say what you have learned without saying how or why you learned it. It is not a good idea to say 'I hacked into your.... Device or account' which is how I know about...
Your legal risk is low in the USA, but why pit yourself in harms way.
And in marriage the letter of the law is:
- not on shared computers or shared phones
- yes for your own electronics
That said, the safest thing to do is say what you have learned without saying how or why you learned it. It is not a good idea to say 'I hacked into your.... Device or account' which is how I know about...
Your legal risk is low in the USA, but why pit yourself in harms way.
I would fully expect that at some point in the future, there will be some landmark case that will come along and be heard by the Appellate Courts and/or the Supreme Court that will strike down certain provisions of the wiretap law, richly given that if a spouse does it to either attempt to save his/her marital union, or to have access to discovery information that could easily be destroyed by the person holding it.
This should be done under the legal argument that an attempt at the preservation of a person's marital union or defense against being sued for it's dissolution, holds far greater weight than the protection of certain deliterious information offered by those laws.
It just greatly seems to be a more common-sense option!
This should be done under the legal argument that an attempt at the preservation of a person's marital union or defense against being sued for it's dissolution, holds far greater weight than the protection of certain deliterious information offered by those laws.
It just greatly seems to be a more common-sense option!
It's naive to think indiscriminate snooping without some reason behind it doesn't damage a relationship. If I put a VAR in my wife's car and she found it then I better have some reason for it. If on the other hand I saw red flags and she found me snooping then it's a blunt conversation about the red flags, transparency, or whatever.
Boundaries and transparency mostly make this moot because there's accountability for both partners. Red flags are painfully obvious as well. If there were red flags then I'd snoop in a heartbeat.
Boundaries and transparency mostly make this moot because there's accountability for both partners. Red flags are painfully obvious as well. If there were red flags then I'd snoop in a heartbeat.
Thanks everyone. .... I've been more the accused than the accuser so far. First it was why was I going in her phone. ... Then it was just between friends and I am making a big deal out of nothing. .... then for the question as to why she led. .. because I blow up at everything. And she has yet to block him or do anything on her own.....I guess I am just going to have to demand it. The biggest issue I have is that she keeps saying that this was okay behavior.
This is SOP. She is following the script. You have to assert your boundaries. Call it a demand or whatever.
But you must tell her this is unaccetpable in your marriage. That you cannot control what she does but you can control yourself. That if she does not comply that you will have to move on from the marriage.
Then do not argue or negotiate. Whether she sees what she is doing to your marriage as harmful or not does not matter. You are being disrespected and she is being unfaithful. She does not have to agree. She only needs to comply. Her choice.
She must go NC with this guy. Verifiably. You will need total transparency. You cannot work on the marriage until the 3rd party is out of it. It will take a couple of months to withdraw. ANY contact whatsoever starts the clock over. She may take this underground.
This may be your last chance to stop this and turn things around. If this other guy is more important to her you have your answer. If so she is very deep into the betrayal.
If a spouse loves you and values the marriage they will comply whether they see the damage or not.
But you are getting all the cheater excuses to manipulate and delay. This i an addiction and you are trying to stop her from getting her fix. This is tough love.
The more she fights this the more she proves this is cheating.
But you must tell her this is unaccetpable in your marriage. That you cannot control what she does but you can control yourself. That if she does not comply that you will have to move on from the marriage.
Then do not argue or negotiate. Whether she sees what she is doing to your marriage as harmful or not does not matter. You are being disrespected and she is being unfaithful. She does not have to agree. She only needs to comply. Her choice.
She must go NC with this guy. Verifiably. You will need total transparency. You cannot work on the marriage until the 3rd party is out of it. It will take a couple of months to withdraw. ANY contact whatsoever starts the clock over. She may take this underground.
This may be your last chance to stop this and turn things around. If this other guy is more important to her you have your answer. If so she is very deep into the betrayal.
If a spouse loves you and values the marriage they will comply whether they see the damage or not.
But you are getting all the cheater excuses to manipulate and delay. This i an addiction and you are trying to stop her from getting her fix. This is tough love.
The more she fights this the more she proves this is cheating.
Well, here is my story.
Started dating my wife, instantly gave her all my passwords to my e-mail, facebook and phone any time she wanted to check on me.
She guarded her own, vehemently, and randomly accused me of cheating on occasion. She had access to all my stuff so I didn't really understand why she didn't verify for herself....but she did go through my stuff DAILY. Oh, she couldn't find anything because I was just "really good at hiding my affair(s)"...what? I told her numerous times that i was fidelis to her...anyway
I found out later that almost routinely when she would accuse me of cheating...it would be because of a message she had either recieved from her AP, or a plan to cheat on me was in place. Realistically, she accused me of cheating, and believed I was, so mentally she could get sex from her AP because "I was doing it too".
Of course, after DDay, I demanded her passwords...which she willingly gave up, and I was able to check through her stuff ONCE...until I found more evidence of cheating. She changed her passwords and basically shut my requests down, yeah, her excuse was, "you'll either trust me, or not, you don't need to see what I'm saying to my friends". Touche lover, anyway. I know she cheated, I snooped, cracked her facebook, e-mail, phone password. As some would say, I "stole" her identity, but I got what I needed. She is a cheater, does not have access to ANY of my accounts. She is afforded the same respect she gives me....no access.
Anyway, I assume in a semi-healthy marriage, access is open to both parties. An explanation would be given if 1 partner is uncomfortable with anothers friend or aquantiance, and any attempt would be made to make the spouse happy regarding interaction between the two, be it virtual or reality.
But, cheaters cheat. Liars lie. Some do it because they can, some do it because they have to.
Posted via Mobile Device
Started dating my wife, instantly gave her all my passwords to my e-mail, facebook and phone any time she wanted to check on me.
She guarded her own, vehemently, and randomly accused me of cheating on occasion. She had access to all my stuff so I didn't really understand why she didn't verify for herself....but she did go through my stuff DAILY. Oh, she couldn't find anything because I was just "really good at hiding my affair(s)"...what? I told her numerous times that i was fidelis to her...anyway
I found out later that almost routinely when she would accuse me of cheating...it would be because of a message she had either recieved from her AP, or a plan to cheat on me was in place. Realistically, she accused me of cheating, and believed I was, so mentally she could get sex from her AP because "I was doing it too".
Of course, after DDay, I demanded her passwords...which she willingly gave up, and I was able to check through her stuff ONCE...until I found more evidence of cheating. She changed her passwords and basically shut my requests down, yeah, her excuse was, "you'll either trust me, or not, you don't need to see what I'm saying to my friends". Touche lover, anyway. I know she cheated, I snooped, cracked her facebook, e-mail, phone password. As some would say, I "stole" her identity, but I got what I needed. She is a cheater, does not have access to ANY of my accounts. She is afforded the same respect she gives me....no access.
Anyway, I assume in a semi-healthy marriage, access is open to both parties. An explanation would be given if 1 partner is uncomfortable with anothers friend or aquantiance, and any attempt would be made to make the spouse happy regarding interaction between the two, be it virtual or reality.
But, cheaters cheat. Liars lie. Some do it because they can, some do it because they have to.
Posted via Mobile Device
- Status
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
-
?
