Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 378Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-14-2012, 10:48 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

(A Somewhat Lengthy Read)


This is my second marriage. I(currently)(59) married a woman(55) who had represented herself to be somewhat financially well-off, as I had left my job with the Fed in order to marry and move away with her. Her mantra was that she was so well-off financially(est. @low to mid seven figures) that it would not really require me to work full-time, although I do have a flourishing avocational occupation. We had dated about a year before deciding to tie the knot, and have subsequently been married for some 7+ years. A pre-nuptial agreement had been drawn up and signed prior to the wedding.

She had kids from her previous marriage as did I. Mine, I am proud to say, are very studious, ambitious, and educationally inclined, as they both are honor students; one at a major university and the other at a private school. Her's have always been lazy, being nothing more than problem students and dropouts, choosing to leave school in favor of embracing the drug culture, tattoo emporiums, law enforcement, and ultimately the judicial system. All have records for drug possession with one having actually done time in county incarceration.

She had never given me any notable information or explanation about her finances, nor did I ever make that request as I came to trust her implicitly. I felt that it was not really any of my business. Without hesitation she was always gracious enough upon insisting that she pay for my kids educational expenses to keep them from incurring any student loans.

In December of 2010, a local girl who was in her early 20's, who my STBXW knew as a contractor that she had employed from time to time, moved into our house at her insistence and my relationship with my STBXW was headed South ever since. My STBXW said that she had invited this girl to move in because she really had nowhere else to live. And from that point in time, my STBXW had little to no time for me, staying on the road.


So in early March, 2011, my STBXW came into my study to annonce to me that she wanted a "trial separation" coinciding with my kids getting out of school for the Spring semester. She intoned that she was now greatly concerned about her finances and could no longer afford to pay the tuition of my secondary school child. However, she said that she would steadfastly continue to financially support my college child with tuition, since she was an alumnus of the college that he attends as a student. She said that this "trial separation" in effect, would allow us to communicate from afar and that we could get together occasionally for a family meal at a local restaurant allowing us to try to work things out between us. She thought that it would be best that I move to a locale about a half-hour away, to the city where my sons college and high school are located, supposedly to cut down on drive time and gasoline expenses.

Now I really do not know if this separation actually stemmed from the stock market heading South, in essence taking a lot of her wealth from her, but she made it abundantly clear that my spending habits, which were primarily for joint household living expenses, and mostly for food, gasoline, liquor for her, bills, pets, and livestock, were not what she wanted. By the same token, it was not uncommon for her to continue to lavish money on her own kids for cars, a separate residence of their own, insurance, tattoos, and to just be there for them whenever they needed to be bailed out of jail or needed money for any legal representation. She highly resented my informing her of whenever I happened to run across overt evidence of drugs, residue, or alcohol in the house that these minors of hers were bringing in both with and without her knowledge. I haven't even mentioned the shady druggies that frequently came by to keep her kids company and to obviously ply their wares.

She wanted my college-aged child to be told of the impending separation almost straight away, but absolutely did not want my secondary school child to have any knowledge of it until such time that he returned from his out-of-state class trip. This was done under the guise that she did not want to jeopardize his good grades, final exams, and class trip to cause him any worry and anxiety. She then physically helped to move the vast majority of our belongings out of the main house into our rent home some 30 miles away in another county where the kids and I now reside. The youngest child actually returned from his class trip and was taken to our "new residence" with little more than an awkward explanation from me.

My STBXW initially did not want any of her family members to have any knowledge of the separation. I honored that, but later discovered that her family had ultimately learned about the separation from her. Since then, I have had virtually no contact with them as well. To date, there has not been as much as a telephone call from my STBXW in these nearly 9 months of separation, much less any of her extended family members. My kids both still think the world of her and have driven over to see her and her extended family members on several occasions and she and my kids stay in touch via telephone and Facebook. But since she had us moved out, she will rarely send a text message or an email to me and then it will only be geared toward business matters, i. e. a bill or some pressing business matter. She randomly shows up at our residence without the slightest notice whenever she is in town, usually with boxes of our clothing or other belongings in tow. She is ultra-cordial and talkative to my sons, but verbally will not give me the time of day. She is truly a physically beautiful woman, and when I see her, it can occasionally make me begin to long for her. But in my heart I know all too well that there is absolutely nothing there but coldness anymore.

Whenever I go back over to our old home to try to retrieve personal items, she gets quite defensive about my presence there without providing her with prior knowledge of my coming. My entire rationale is that if I did inform her of such, she would simply find a reason to either not be there or to answer the door. I still have a lot of my own family's furniture and antiques all acquired through inheritance still there, along with stored clothing and personal effects in the house and also in her warehouse. All too often, when I do show up, there is no one home, newspapers collecting on the front lawn, and the house is securely locked up. Upon my leaving, she took the liberty of removing the house key off of my key ring, but strangely enough, she let my sons retain theirs. I absolutely refuse to even try to enter the house when she is not there for fear of any possible legal ramifications.

She travels both internationally and domestically rather frequently on trips designed to help her monitor her investments in the cities that she has them in. Trips to Asia, Europe, the Carribean and Hawaii are not uncommon. In my marriage years, I never once was asked to accompany her on any of them as she usually went with other friends and business associates of hers. I got to stay home and take care of things while she travelled. And since moving out, I am never informed of any of these trips by her, usually finding out about them from one of my kids.

In early November, she came by late one night shortly after I had gone to bed. She brought over some boxes that the boys helped her bring into our house. Sometime the next afternoon, I also discovered a typed sheet of paper that she had discretely placed listing some minor inventory items with attached monetary values of the goods that she had brought over that evening. Inside that folded paper was a sealed envelope with my name written in her handwriting on the front. After opening it up, I saw that it was a copy of a filed petition for divorce from our original home county where she resides. Although she left the copy of the petition for divorce, according to my attorney, that is still not deemed to be legal service in my state. So until I legally receive proper service, my attorney advises doing nothing for the time being. My STBXW sent out an email in January asking if I had seen the "legal letter" that she left here. Upon advice of counsel, I was told to tell her that I had indeed seen it and was contemplating what steps that I might possibly take. But according to my attorney, that in no way implies legal service in Texas.

It was not uncommon for her to call and invite the boys to her family gatherings such as Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. The boys asked me if they could go, and I agreed that they might enrage her if they didn't since she still throws money their way if they need it. My eldest is still having his college tuition and expenses largely subsidized by her, as well as supplying him with one of her vehicles to drive. He's fearful that if he doesn't stay in lockstep with her requests, that she could ultimately cut them both off. That hurts me nearly as much as my separation and impending divorce from her.

On a very recent trip over to see her, she told the boys that she was leaving to take a Mardi Gras vacation in NO, from Feb. 11 through the 22nd. She told them that a friend was picking her up and driving them to NO. I'm thinking that she is on a cruise out of NO up until the final days of Mardi Gras. I can't help but believe that during this entire episode since my moving out, that she has been busy seeing someone. She has changed her name on FB back to her name when I first met her. I've often thought that she might leak certain details on FB about her lifestyle that I could possibly put in my lawyers hands, but since I do not do FB, that's really not an option. And even if I did, I think she'd restrict me in some way.

The pain from all of this has caused me to greatly lose sleep as I have only managed to average some 4 to 5 hours a night at best while trying to manage the living activities for my sons and me.

I am primarily living off of my Fed retirement as it most difficult these days for a man in his late 50's to get the opportunity to reenter the work force, more especially in this downturned economy of ours. She has even intoned that I could live off of federal assistance. But I was quick to assert that that since I was not yet even eligible for Social Security benefits, that that wasn't even a remote possibilty since we are still deemed to be married in a community property state. Given all of this, I really can see no discernible hope for this marriage. My eldest child feels like he and his brother have been squarely placed between a rock and a hard place, in that if they truly vent their frustrations about the current state of affairs, that the proverbial money and tuition card would be pulled from them. So they both try to empathize with me, but must remain quiet in the whole process of things. I still am having to foot the bill for my youngest son's private school tuition which I don't mind doing at all.

I have tried to immerse myself by becoming busy in joining a local church, but at times, the lonliness seems to get the better part of me. I'm also in the process of selecting a family counselor to have to bounce things off of, as I already have done with my pastor. I just wanted to share my rather lengthy story with you, and see if any of you had any similar circumstances or ideas. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've taken your time to read this far. Best of luck to you all and may our Lord and Saviour richly bless all of you!



Last edited by arbitrator; 12-16-2015 at 01:09 AM.
arbitrator is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 09:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 165
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

I think you should move on.. she is done.
justwhy is offline  
post #3 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 01:50 PM
Member
 
southern wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Wine Cellar
Posts: 10,162
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Quote:
Originally Posted by justwhy View Post
I think you should move on.. she is done.
southern wife is offline  
 
post #4 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 02:48 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 115
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

I'm sorry to say, but it looks like you were a novelty for her, and now the novelty has worn off.
She basically bought you by dangling her wealth in front of your face, which led you to leave everything including a job, that would have been your major source of security.
As a woman...no matter how much money we make, we want a guy who will have the ability to assert himself by proving that he can take care of himself and us as well if everything goes South in our finances.
I understand that she swept you off your feet, but that's mostly power trip. (which is wrong, any way you look at it)
Now...her maintaining your children on her payroll is still some sort of powertrip. He's screwed you by ruining your life but you have no other choice but to take it, because she still throws money your kids way. It's a choice now whether you suck it up or do what is legally right, if so...
I hope you have a very good lawyer, who can at least get you a chunk of her wealth, enough for you to live comfortably and support your children as well.
it's cold...but it's all business now.
ProfJ is offline  
post #5 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Thumbs up Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Quote:
Originally Posted by ProfJ View Post
I'm sorry to say, but it looks like you were a novelty for her, and now the novelty has worn off.
She basically bought you by dangling her wealth in front of your face, which led you to leave everything including a job, that would have been your major source of security.
As a woman...no matter how much money we make, we want a guy who will have the ability to assert himself by proving that he can take care of himself and us as well if everything goes South in our finances.
I understand that she swept you off your feet, but that's mostly power trip. (which is wrong, any way you look at it)
Now...her maintaining your children on her payroll is still some sort of powertrip. He's screwed you by ruining your life but you have no other choice but to take it, because she still throws money your kids way. It's a choice now whether you suck it up or do what is legally right, if so...
I hope you have a very good lawyer, who can at least get you a chunk of her wealth, enough for you to live comfortably and support your children as well.
it's cold...but it's all business now.

Thanks for your input! Legally speaking, that's what the pre-nup was all about. And it should protect her, other than the willingly co-mingled assets. But in my heart of hearts, I really don't want one red cent of hers~ basically all that I truly desire is to get what possessions that rightfully belong to me out of her house.

One of the biggest problems that I'm encountering right now is that I love the STBXW's extended family dearly: mother, sister, and brother; cousins and friends. My sister-in law texted me on Christmas Day and I replied back by text. No other contact from any of them to speak of. But I'd absolutely love to see all of them again as I think they're laying low primarily out of embarrassment. I've often wondered if I should try to make contact with them at some point in time, albeit by phone call, email, or snail mail.

Going through Valentines Day yesterday was just as rough as Christmas, but I'm trying to get through them one day at a time.
arbitrator is online now  
post #6 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 06:07 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9,948
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Sounds like she got herself a new lover and you got pitched out.

Have you thought about hiring a PI?
Posted via Mobile Device
Shaggy is offline  
post #7 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 07:12 PM
Member
 
isla~mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 154
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

You deserve all your possessions out of the house and perhaps some kind of settlement regarding losing your livelihood for the marriage, and also, possibly, a settlement concerning the tuition, since she made a verbal promise to pay for these things. It probably won't make much difference (legally speaking) if she is having an affair or not--I would try not to anguish over this possibility. But if she has the money to buy herself out of the mess she's created, I would accept any settlement she offers. It sounds like she's adept at buying people's friendship. Sorry you went through this. Do try to reach out to her family, the worst they can do is not return your messages. They may not be talking to you much because they don't want disclose her new relationship.
isla~mama is offline  
post #8 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 09:09 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Thumbs up Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Quote:
Originally Posted by isla~mama View Post
You deserve all your possessions out of the house and perhaps some kind of settlement regarding losing your livelihood for the marriage, and also, possibly, a settlement concerning the tuition, since she made a verbal promise to pay for these things. It probably won't make much difference (legally speaking) if she is having an affair or not--I would try not to anguish over this possibility. But if she has the money to buy herself out of the mess she's created, I would accept any settlement she offers. It sounds like she's adept at buying people's friendship. Sorry you went through this. Do try to reach out to her family, the worst they can do is not return your messages. They may not be talking to you much because they don't want disclose her new relationship.
There will be no settlement, no contractual agreement on her part as the pre-nup should totally insulate her. And even if it didn't, I would still feel rather dirty taking any money from her. My pastor recommends no initiating of contact with her family until such time that the legal proceedings reach some semblence of completion. I've already set up a counseling session, and definitely not with the one that I went to with my STBXW early last year.
arbitrator is online now  
post #9 of 634 (permalink) Old 02-18-2012, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Thumbs up Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

The strange thing here was even in our final days together, provided she was home and not away on one of her many trips, she still allowed me to kiss her, and there were no arguments. In fact, we had sex up until about 5 weeks prior to my moving out. There had not been any arguments since a meltdown she had had just prior to her declaring that "trial separation." We were cordial, went about our business. A few days after the move-out, she brought some things over to me, and being the affectionate guy that I am, I went to give her a kiss and got turned away quite coldly. I think that that's when reality finally set in and I saw that there was not going to be any kind of reconciliation. Not only was I right in that regard, there has been absolutely no telephonic communication from her. Maybe I wrongly assumed that I would let her be the one to open the door to call me, since she was the one who had abandoned me. I never felt compelled to call her primarily because I just felt that I owed her nothing.

In any event, if an EA ever took place, I feel that it was at some point after I was ordered out of the house. And if there's one going on now, I think she's keeping it pretty well under wraps!

Last edited by arbitrator; 09-18-2012 at 01:44 PM.
arbitrator is online now  
post #10 of 634 (permalink) Old 03-04-2012, 09:55 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Have scheduled a meeting tomorrow afternoon with legal counsel, a fairly prominent family attorney, to get the ball rolling on my divorce countersuit. Sitting through church this morning was especially hard, hearing about the power of forgiveness. In my heart, I, as a Christian man, must forgive my STBXW for this nearly one-year unwarrented separation and "cone of silence" that she has brought about. Being the Christian woman that she is supposed to be, I can only hope and pray that time will truly convict her conscience for both her actions and inactions. I've wrestled with this long enough and I feel that it's time that I start getting pro-active in the legal arena. Both my pastor and my family counselor agree that it's definitely time to move on. Just needed to vent. Will keep you all posted of any new developments! Thanks!

arbitrator is online now  
post #11 of 634 (permalink) Old 03-04-2012, 10:22 PM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,786
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Ask your attorney, but I do believe that she has not right to kick you out of the family home. So when she's on travel just go to where she is living and get your things.

Also have your attorney ask the court to allow you to enter the house and the storage to get any remaining items.

IMHO, she is handling this in the way she has in the hopes that you do not go after her for all that you can get from her.

Good luck on your divorce.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #12 of 634 (permalink) Old 03-04-2012, 10:38 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Ask your attorney, but I do believe that she has not right to kick you out of the family home. So when she's on travel just go to where she is living and get your things.

Also have your attorney ask the court to allow you to enter the house and the storage to get any remaining items.

IMHO, she is handling this in the way she has in the hopes that you do not go after her for all that you can get from her.

Good luck on your divorce.

She's sole owner (on the deed) of the home as per the pre-nup. She took the liberty of removing my house key from my key ring when I was "ordered out." If I should subsequently enter that dwelling without her express permission, then I could be construed as having "broken and entered", a felony offense here in Texas.

She had promised on several occasions to deliver the balance of my belongings but things got in the way like, "it's too hot to move things" or "it's too cold to move things"; so virtually nothing has happened. Also, our diamond wedding/engagement ring set belonged to my now deceased mom and dad. I'd like to get her bands back as they were family heirlooms handed down to me at their passing. I greatly fear that she'll want to hold on to them for their value. I want them, not for myself, but for either of my sons, when it comes time for them to marry. It appears that the only way I can get my things is going to be via a court order. I think the only thing I can hope for is that we can make her pay for my attorneys fees and all pertaining court costs.
arbitrator is online now  
post #13 of 634 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 06:44 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

I just learned from my oldest college-age son that my STBXW has tentatively set up an appointment to have lunch sometime this afternoon with him at a local restaurant, telling him that she'll likely have her mother coming with her. I'm thinking that if her mom is in tow, the meeting should remain fairly civil. Heretofore, she has supposedly never uttered a syllable regarding the divorce petition to either of my sons. While giving them as much disclosure as I possibly can, I have implored my sons, if ever querried about that divorce subject matter, especially by her, to just "play dumb" and pretty much convey to her that "Dad doesn't really talk about it and we know nothing," or quite simply "we really don't want to talk about it."
arbitrator is online now  
post #14 of 634 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 11:24 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Had meeting with attorney today and we got the ball rolling on accepting service of my STBXW's divorce petition. I guess that it's now just a matter of time before her attorney will see the answer that we filed. Maybe I can start getting a little more sleep at night now!
arbitrator is online now  
post #15 of 634 (permalink) Old 03-06-2012, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,711
Re: Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
I just learned from my oldest college-age son that my STBXW has tentatively set up an appointment to have lunch sometime this afternoon with him at a local restaurant, telling him that she'll likely have her mother coming with her. I'm thinking that if her mom is in tow, the meeting should remain fairly civil. Heretofore, she has supposedly never uttered a syllable regarding the divorce petition to either of my sons. While giving them as much disclosure as I possibly can, I have implored my sons, if ever querried about that divorce subject matter, especially by her, to just "play dumb" and pretty much convey to her that "Dad doesn't really talk about it and we know nothing," or quite simply "we really don't want to talk about it."
The meeting between my STBXW and my son never came to fruition as she never called him. Oh, well!
arbitrator is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
One year is approaching...mixed results TheGoodFight Coping with Infidelity 64 09-11-2012 02:08 PM
At what point does separation become abandonment? iBolt General Relationship Discussion 0 09-08-2012 04:17 PM
emotional abandonment lonleme Considering Divorce or Separation 3 02-04-2012 12:53 AM
17-year-marriage on the rocks; discussed trial separation. Good/bad idea? tigger01 General Relationship Discussion 10 01-11-2012 09:38 AM
My wife of 15 year feels disconnected willingandable General Relationship Discussion 32 11-16-2011 10:00 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome