Talk About Marriage banner
Cancel
Create thread New Forums
Status
Not open for further replies.

I cheated, husband left, need guidance to prove I'm sorry

Jump to Latest
369K views 329 replies 113 participants last post by  Deejo  
L
#1 ·
I never thought I would be on the sending end of something like this but here I am. I have been married for 11 years. My husband is an amazing man and we have one boy and one girl. Our marriage has had it's ups and downs just like any other marriage. Two years ago, I went through a deep depression. I got laid off and my mother passed away. At the time, my husband was working 14-18 hours a day just to keep food on the table. It took me about 6 months before I tried to get help and went to therapy.

I resented my husband a lot during this time. Part of the reason was because he was working too much and I was left to take care of the children while dealing with my emotional issues. Also, he made it seem like my depression was something I could just turn on and off like a light bulb. He said he cared for me but I never felt it during this time. He made me feel very alone.

To make matters worse, I suspected my husband of cheating with a woman from his job. He would text her at all times of the day and he stayed very close with his phone. I managed to check his phone one day but I couldn't find anything pointing to a sexual relationship. It was just mostly friendly stuff about work and family. I told my husband that I wanted to meet her but he wouldn't let me. He said that he should have friends just like I did. This made me feel worse and I kept having a hunch that he was sleeping with this woman.

After many months of therapy and Xenlafaxine, I started to feel better. I started to get out of the house more and talk to my old friends more. My husband stayed the same. HE was still an amazing husband and father. He worked his butt off but he still talked to that woman. When I looked back on the days during depression, I felt betrayed and I just felt that he cheated on me.

I started to lose weight and become more active. I felt alive again. Guys at the gym would hit on me and I would catch glares from guys at the store. This made my husband jealous but I didn't care. I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong and I know I was unhappy with his friendship with the woman at work.

My husband has an old friend named Matt. He recently moved from Michigan to where we live. He found a job down here that he wanted to take. My husband was very excited that he was moving down here since that was his old high school friend. We met Matt at the airport and took him to dinner. I have to admit that he was quite a charmer. I figured that anyone that hung out with my husband in high school must have been a dork. I'm not putting my husband down but he was really a nerd back in those days. Matt was actually the polar opposite of him.

Anyway, Matt was pretty hot when I met him. To make matters worse, he complimented me and told me I was beautiful. Matt began work and began to hang out with my husband on weekends since he didn't have many friends. We also become friends and I would talk to him when he came to the house. He would flirt a lot with me but I always shut him down.

There was one day when Matt come over for a few hours since they were cleaning the carpet at his apartment. The kids were with my mother and me and my husband were supposed to go out to dinner. Since Matt had no place to go, he was going to tag along. Before we could leave, my husband got called in to work. One of the other leads was sick so he had to fill in. Me and Matt were already up so we just chatted on the couch. We must have talked for around 2 hours. He kept complimenting me and making me feel good. In fact, it was years since a man made me feel as good as he did.

We got closer and closer that night and he eventually kissed me. I did not push him away although I with I would have. We ended up having sex there in our living room. It was like we were both caught up in the moment and didn't realize what was happening.

That moment didn't end until recently. I've been seeing Matt off and on for the past 8 months. I've had enough respect for my family that we never again had sex in our home. I would either go to his apartment or we would get a hotel. I justified my infidelity because I fooled myself into thinking that my husband was really cheating on me with that other woman.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband was out at a club with Matt. I don't know the exact details but somehow, my husband went though his phone and found text messages from me as well as nude pictures. My husband got in a fight with Matt and left him at the club. He came home and confronted me and I denied everything. The first thing that came to mind was to lie since I never set out to hurt him.

My husband left and called Matt. Matt told him every single detail about our relationship. He told him everything down to the day it started. At that point, I had no choice but to come clean about what I did.

Now it's too late. My husband has moved out and wants a divorce. I've been sitting here replaying this in my head and I really feel like ****. I've been falling back into my depression and I feel that I have no place to turn. He doesn't want to reconcile and doesn't want counseling. He just wants to divorce. My kids don't understand what's going on yet but soon they will find out.

What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage. I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I realize now that I had a good thing at home and I should have never cheated. He has agreed to meet me on tuesday morning for lunch and we can talk then. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.
 
#2 ·
It was like we were both caught up in the moment and didn't realize what was happening.
Click to expand...
DO NOT say this ever to your husband.

You don't understand how he can walk out after the ultimate betrayal? Apology doesn't cut it.

Own it.

Words don't matter especially if you somewhat place blame on him or "I didn't know what was happening" Right. You knew a penis was going to enter your body.

Let him go. You can't control this, don't even try. Let him have some time to think. It's all in his control now.

Sorry you're going through this. It's a hard lesson to learn.
 
L
#3 ·
Yes it's very hard. What I meant about that comment was that I didn't realize what effect this would have on my marriage. I was just caught up in the emotions and feeling good and wanted at the time. I've always had self esteem issues but that's still no excuse for what happened.
 
#42 ·
ladylegs said:
Yes it's very hard. What I meant about that comment was that I didn't realize what effect this would have on my marriage. I was just caught up in the emotions and feeling good and wanted at the time. I've always had self esteem issues but that's still no excuse for what happened.
Click to expand...
ladylegs said:
I told him that I didn't like that he talked to her so much but he just flipped it on me and told me that I'm jealous. As for Matt, I've spoken to him once since this happened and that was to tell him that he is not welcome here anymore. He said that he was sorry for telling but he felt that he couldn't betray his friend any longer.
Click to expand...
ladylegs said:
Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.
Click to expand...
ladylegs said:
Yes, I've been open about everything since it was exposed. If I had knew that Matt was going to tell everything, I would have did so first. At least my husband would have heard it from me and that may have made things easier.
Click to expand...
Dear ladylegs,

You are still very much in denial over your adultery. Let's consider some of your comments.

First, you say you didn't realize what effect this would have on your marriage. Anybody of at least normal intelligence an having a basic understanding of morality and human feelings would know that cheating on her H with his friend would be devastating to him. Your denial of this simply indicates that you are still trying to justify your adultery. Stop that. Admit that what you did you did knowingly for your own selfish reasons and in the hope that your BH would not find out. If you can't accept and admit this, your BH will see through you and likely proceed to divorce you.

Second, when confronted by your BH, you lied but the OM told the truth. What this says is that the OM cared more about the truth and your BH's feelings than you did. Think about that, understand that, own that. Whether your marriage survives or not, you have some important growing to do as a person. What kind of person does what you did? You know the answer. What you need to do now is become a person who doesn't do such horrible things to someone who loves her.

Third, despite being told by several responders that your BH doesn't owe you anything, you continue to insist that he owes you another chance. As part of your rehabilitation, you need to understand and accept that, given what you have done, he owes you nothing. Look at it this way. You aren't asking for a second chance, you are looking for a free pass. You have had numerous chances already. You had the chance to honor your marriage vows but instead chose to commit adultery. The first time you cheated, you had the chance to tell your BH what you had done and ask for forgiveness but instead chose to continue the affair and hide it from him. Every time after that that you had sex with the OM, you had the chance to make it the last time, tell your BH and accept the consequences. You chose to continue cheating. When your BH confronted you, you had the chance to tell him the truth but you chose lie. So stop with the "I deserve another chance." What you are really saying is "Having been caught after doing everything possible to hide my adultery, I deserve not to have to suffer the consequences for repeatedly and heartlessly violating my BH's love and trust." As long as that is your attitude, there is no hope for your marriage or your rehabilitation.

Finally, you say that you would have admitted what you had done if you knew your BH would find out from someone else. This is about as low a moral standard as one can imagine. What would you think of a criminal who said "If I knew I would get caught, I wouldn't have robbed the bank"? Would you hold him in high regard or would you view him as purely an amoral opportunist? Well, this is you -- you admit that you can only be expected to be honest if you have no other choice. Now ask yourself, if you were married to someone like that, would you stay with him after he betrayed you in the most terrible manner?

You are getting a lot of good advice here but it will all be worthless unless you realize what an untrustworthy, uncaring and immoral person you have become and then work on yourself to change that.

Frankly, as you are right now -- trying to justify your adultery and insisting that your BH owes you another chance -- your BH should divorce you. If you can admit the depths of your betrayal, accept that you deserve nothing from him, try to figure out how you could have been so cruel and dishonest and work on yourself to become the kind of person you know you should be, then and only then will you deserve a better life than the one that is before you.

Wishing you the enlightenment and courage you will need to fix yourself.
 
R
#4 ·
If people were talking to your husband, they'd likely be advising to push ahead with the divorce and to let you go. You may not find many sympathetic voices (especially amongst those who've been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour.)

So, you incorrectly accuse him of cheating
Sleep with his friend
Carry on an affair for 8 months
Allow nude pictures of yourself to be taken
When confronted, lie

And it's the lies that do the most damage.
So, what's left to salvage here? Why should he give you another chance? What's in it for him?

Sorry doesn't cut it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#5 ·
You won't get much help here, unfortunately. The crowd loves to throw stones at cheaters.
I would suggest you read the Archive section. There's plenty of articles there about how to deal with the aftermath of an affair and how to show remorse, etc. It's a good place to start.
Your husband is seriously hurt about this double betrayal and it may take a long time to convince him to forgive you. He may never will. But persistence and patience, along with a repentant remorseful attitude can increase the odds he does.
No contact with the OM, full transparency, complete honesty about all the questions he'll asks you are just a couple of things you can do to start. Remember, actions speak louder than words, and right now your actions totally suck...
Have you ever talked to him about how his talking to that woman made you feel? It sounds like a revenge affair to me. You two have to address the root issue and set firmer boundaries. Good luck.
 
Save
Like Like
L
#6 ·
Well we both have invested a lot in this marriage. I know that deep down, as much as he thinks he hates me, I know he still loves me. We have kids and a home together. That should be worth something. I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.
 
H
#12 ·
ladylegs said:
I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.
Click to expand...
I'll not go into the basic stuff that's as clear as the nose on one's face but this is frankly laughable
"I've been open and submissive about everything" :scratchhead:

Unless I'm mistaken from what I gathered in your opening gambit unless his best friend confessed up you'd have never in a million years been "open and submissive" - you'd still be lying your ass off to him still putting him (and your kids) through the mincer (and by choice I might add)

I'll make that the only post I will put into this thread

(read up on the 'tears' thread)
 
L
#7 ·
I told him that I didn't like that he talked to her so much but he just flipped it on me and told me that I'm jealous. As for Matt, I've spoken to him once since this happened and that was to tell him that he is not welcome here anymore. He said that he was sorry for telling but he felt that he couldn't betray his friend any longer.
 
R
#8 · (Edited)
The ex-friend isn't really the issue here, I think. (Yes, it was a double betrayal, but the vows were yours.)

Y'see, if you'd been remorseful, you wouldn't have let things continue, and you would have confessed yourself and begged for forgiveness. But you didn't and that makes things a whole lot harder.

For some men (and women too, I guess) and infidelity is a deal breaker and it's over. I don't know how to predict if this is the case for your husband. Before it happens, I'm not sure anyone can. People often don't behave how they thought they would.

Oh and if you want to have any hope of reconcilliation, do not say 'I deserve...' - you don't. You don't deserve a hearing, a second chance, more, better, whatever. You took your marriage and stabbed it to death.
If he gives you a second chance, or even deigns to listen to what you have to say, it's a favour to you, that he chooses to give you. Not because you deserve it.
(don't ask what you do deserve, you won't like the responses.)

Andd don't play the 'stay together for the kids# either. He deserves more than that, and so do they.

What might help - and it's to help him get over it, not to keep him with you - is for your total honesty, absolute acceptance that it was your fault, your problem, and that he did not deserve to be treated this way. And that you realise the lying was wrong and counter productive.

IF he chooses to listen to you (and you can't make him) and if he subsequently chooses not to press on with the divorce instantly, then it's your job to be the best spouse that ever existed (not a doormat, but a partner) - with absolute fidelity, openness and honesty, so that he never has any reason to doubt you ever again. Although he still will, because some things you don't get over.

If you do have a relationship going forwards, it will have to be a new one, rebuilt. You'll never get the old one back - it's dead.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
L
#9 ·
Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.
 
#16 ·
ladylegs said:
Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.
Click to expand...
That's why you had an affair in the first place, the self entitlement that you have. At this point, he doesn't owe you a thing. You are NOT going to be able to reconcile this marriage if you think he owes it to you. These are some of the things you are going to need to do:

1. FULL DISCLOSURE - That means writing down a timeline of the affair. Answer any and every question about the affair that he asks. He's already heard it from your OM, he wants to hear it from your lips since you denied, denied, denied, even when he had you dead to rights. And he's going to keep asking you whenever he triggers. And he's going to trigger a lot. In case you don't know what triggers are, it can be pretty much anything that reminds him of your affair. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, especially are going to be tainted. Those alone will trigger him.

2. Write a No Contact (NC) letter to the OM in front of him and maintain the NC. NC with OM is forever. If your OM ever attempts to make contact with you and you don't tell your BH about it, that's a lie of omission and also breaking NC.

3. COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY - This means you willingly hand over any and all passwords to any accounts that you have to prove that you're an open book and wanting to rebuild trust. Trust is what you destroyed and its now your responsibility to rebuild it. If you go anywhere, you had better tell him first. While you're out of the house, you call him. If you're going to be late, you call him. You call him when you're enroute home. You hand over your cell phone whenever he asks to look at it. Don't ever hide it again. If you have it password protect it, remove the password protection and never put it on again.

4. Get yourself tested for STDs. I'm almost absolutely sure you had unprotected sex with your OM and he gave you plenty of cream pies.

5. Apologize to your friends and family with your BH present, for having an affair.

6. Agree to take a polygraph if he asks for it.

7. Agree to sign a post nupital agreement if he asks for it.

8. Sexual Equality - This is a major factor. If you ever did ANYTHING with your OM that you denied your husband (Oral, Anal, BDSM, etc), then you had better not deny your husband again, because its a major trigger. If you never sexted your BH but you sexted your OM, then you had better make your BH feel wanted by sexting your BH. If you never sent nudie pics of yourself to your BH, but you sent nudie pics to your OM, then you know what that's about. There not many things more painful for a betrayed spouse, than the knowledge that their cheating spouse gave things and did things with their OM/OW that they denied to them.

9. Agree to Marriage Counseling (MC) or Individual Counseling (IC) if he asks for it. If you go to MC, own up to the affair and never try to justify it to the Counselor that the affair was your BHs fault.

10. And NEVER, EVER, tell him to get over it already. It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal like this. Its extremely emotionally traumatizing and the BS will suffer from PTSD. This is part of the heavy lifting that you have to do to help reconcile the marriage.
 
J
#10 ·
You knew your H's friend was hitting on you---why didn't you completely shut him down and make it clear that you had a family and kids to protect, and you were not about to wreck their lives----your H very well may ask you that when you meet on tues---you best have an answer---as to why you would allow your children's lives to be destroyed

As to your justification---your H---talking to his lady friend---you had a legit gripe---but you kept letting it slide---the way to have gotten that stopped is to threaten your H with D---just as your H. is now doing to you, over your actual straying

You messing with his good friend is a double betrayal so it just adds fuel to the fire

When you talk to him on tues----what are you gonna say---cuz the words I'm Sorry, are meaningless---what does I'm sorry get you---big deal--those words are gonna do nothing, when your H's sub--conscious keep bringing up visions of your lover inside of you---these are all things you had better be prepared to have some kind of an answer for on tues.

You need to show him how you are gonna be accountable, what is it that you can/will do to ease his pain/hurt/humiliation, and the fact that you snuck out to hotels, lied, manipulated, and deceived him---do you have answers for you conducting these activities---if not you are wasting your time

This basically is a forum, for those who would think about trying R---your H, is in a zero tolerance situation---you cheated---he does not want to stay with you, as for him there is no mge---he more than likely cannot handle looking at/touching/talking to you----his sub--conscious is all over him, and will not give him a break---he has visions/hurts/is living in a nuclear winter, and you are the trigger

If your H, is adamant about D---do not fight him, let him file, tell him you will do whatever he needs to do, and you will support him---because he files, does not mean that the D, action actually has to be finished---with the right attitude and lots of hard work, you might be able to change his mind, before the D, would become final

No matter what---don't sit there and throw i'm sorry at him---once again--I'm sorry is BS---have some kind of mature answers for him, and a plan on what you can do, to try and save what is left of this destroyed mge----

Do not throw the woman that he continually talked to in his face---unless you have solid proof, he actually did more than just talk to her---he may very well be having an EA with her---but as I said before---you never forcefully pushed it---instead you used it as justification for your own straying

Also do not bring up that you thot he was ignoring you while he worked long hours---he worked those hours so you could have a good/decent lifestyle---I am sure he didn't like having to work anymore than you disliked having him work---but it sounds like you didn't have to work, you took care of the kids---so do not bring up his working long hours---it was necessary for the survival of your family------what you better have an answer for---is why you allowed the POS lowlife friend to stay in your house, and hit on you---that is what you had better have an answer for

Do not bring up the fact that you felt lonesome, and un- appreciated-----Mge is hard work, it does get same old, same old, and boring---but a whole lot of mge's do make it, where the spouses make adjustments and do what is necessary to preserve the mge----this is something you did not do---once again---if he asks you---you better have an answer for why you did not fight for the mge, when you knew you were being "hit on"


Don't sit there and act pathetic---own up to what you did, and try to make the best of your meeting----remember---the D, process is a long haul, and things just may change down the line, good luck to you---just hang in there, remember this is just the beginning , just act grown up, and mature, and show him, you will fight for the mge. no matter what.
 
#11 ·
I think you need to get to the root of he problem, you been dealing with the fact that your husband is cheating. I'll say he cheating because you point out some red flags also as a wife you know. Which is why you sank into the depression.

I'm not justifing your cheating I'm just pointing out that you can't just ignore all the signs and move on with life if you feel your spouse was cheating.

I would address this with him, not in the way of "well you cheated so did I". Rather I would tell him why you felt he cheated and how that affected you. This does not justify the cheating but it can help him deal with then "why" distanced yourself.

Apologize and tell him you are willing to work on the marriage. If he was cheating I hope he can have some mercy on you being that he brought in the problems. If he wasn't cheating he should have put your mind at ease. But now you are both in a big problem and need to work together for the sake of the kids.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
L
#13 ·
Yes, I've been open about everything since it was exposed. If I had knew that Matt was going to tell everything, I would have did so first. At least my husband would have heard it from me and that may have made things easier.
 
H
#24 ·
Sorry one more response (on this specific aspect)

Yes but actually the important bit is before it was exposed.

Fact is you'd still be lying to husband today had somebody else not taken the responsibility to expose unconnected to you.

Your husband would never have heard it from you because you had a million and one chances to make that happen but CHOSE not to

That's why you'll get little respect because this littel bit that you put such small value on is actually EVERYTHING

It IS the reason (not the actual betrayal) why your chances of getting your husband back online are almost zero because that is the bit that will play in his head ( let alone the more obvious stuff) even if you do get a reconciliation of sorts.

This is your own self deception and one that is ingrained in a cheater

Until you actually get to grips with this one "little bit" you have no chance

........and deservedly so
 
#14 ·
I know I'm going against the crowed here, and have never before done so when it comes to cheating, but if any one of you can relate to the feeling that your spouse is cheating you can admit it not only sinks you to a low depression, it also can make you crazy. Nothing is more painful.

I'm not justifying her, she should have handled it better. She should have looked for evidence, and addres the problem. And the fact that it was her husbands friend is a low blow. But, please she came here for help.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
L
#17 ·
It hurts a lot. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know how I could hold it together. I'm not asking for my husband to pity me, I just wish he could be here to support me emotionally. I think we could support each other to get through this.
 
#15 ·
You know what?

He is deeply hurt. Now he cant think straight.

Your mistakes:
1. Your cheating for 8 long months. Horrible. You had the honour of having sex with H's friend in hotels and in his place. Did you have a honour for your marriage?
2. Your lied when he confronted you. That is a killer.

Give him time. Wait.
 
J
#18 ·
Other things you had better be prepared to have answers for

This A would still be going on, had Your H, not gotten ahold of your lovers phone---so you need to have an answer for allowing this A, to keep going, and in no way wanting to shut it down---you never thought enuff of your family, to know you were doing wrong, and to stop----so you have that issue to deal with

The last thing on this earth for you to ever say to your H---is you have enuff respect for your family to take this crap into hotels, or wherever else you had sex at---YOU HAD NO RESPECT FOR YOUR FAMILY----one who cheats---could care less about their family-----you also had better have some answers ready about what you have wrought onto your kids--cuz that is gonna come up---

But the worse thing you did, above and beyond all of this--is the LIES---you lied outright, when you were confronted, your lover threw you under the bus, so you had no where to go, with your lies-----plus you have been looking your H, in the eyes every night for the last 8 months and telling him everything was fine, when he came home night after night after working to provide for you, so you could live a decent life---added to that, there were probably nights where your H, got sloppy 2nds, you had sex with your lover, then had sex with your H-------that alone--is gonna drive your H, up the wall---I have no idea how you handle the last area---but you better have some kind of decent answer for him---and once again---the I'm sorry is BS, and is meaningless---

What your H, is gonna be thinking is, of course your sorry---you are about to lose your nice cushy lifestyle, your gonna now have to go out and work yourself, one to two jobs, just to break even---and you are gonna wear the tag of cheater, who also has children-------so your H, now also wonders why are you staying in this mge---he is saying to himself---she can't love me---she only wants to stay cuz I am her bankroll-

---these things are what is running thru his mind, these things are what you had better have some kind of answer for
 
P
#21 ·
Ok, I'm saying this as someone who cheated on his spouse.

He owes you nothing, as far as a second chance goes. When you made the decision to cheat (and cheat repeatedly, over an 8 month period), you broke your wedding vows, and any rights that went along with them. You could ASK him for forgiveness and a second chance, but anything he chooses to offer is up to him.

If you want to show him that you've changed, then start owning your mess. Find a counsellor, start working on the reasons why you cheated. Continue to read in the infidelity forum for things that you can proactively start doing, including confessing to your family and his. If he sees that you're truly remorseful, he may see that you're worth a second chance. But you really mucked it up with denying everything and only confessing after your partner did. His friend showed more loyalty to him than you did.

Sorry to be harsh on you, but you're still floating along with a sense of entitlement and "it just happened". Every time you met your lover, or called him, or texted him a nude picture, you were making a conscious decision to betray your husband. The fact that it was with his best friend was the second betrayal. And the lie was the third. And still you feel entitled to a "second chance"...

C
 
U
#23 ·
I'm sorry but it doesn't seem as if you're remorseful. Would you have still been in the affair if your husband hadnt seen those texts? And would you have told your husband the truth if Matt hadn't have first?

You don't sound very guilty. What steps have you taken to show your husband you're remorseful? Where is matt now, do you still talk?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
D
#25 ·
ladylegs,

IF you get a chance to reconcile your M, that will be the time to address all the issues in the marriage, including his friendship.

DO NOT bring it up now or you will be headed straight to divorce.

No matter your suspicions or feelings, until your H decides he wants to keep the M, the ONLY issue you need to deal with is your cheating.

If you in any way try to make this about him, you will probably guarantee yourself a divorce.
 
#26 ·
ladylegs said:
To make matters worse, I suspected my husband of cheating with a woman from his job. He would text her at all times of the day and he stayed very close with his phone. I managed to check his phone one day but I couldn't find anything pointing to a sexual relationship. It was just mostly friendly stuff about work and family. I told my husband that I wanted to meet her but he wouldn't let me. He said that he should have friends just like I did. This made me feel worse and I kept having a hunch that he was sleeping with this woman.
Click to expand...
Eh....... it is still possible he has an EA/PA with this co-worker.

De red flags are undeniable. So yes, you could tell him this, the suspicion is valid in my eyes.

And the emotional distance that got between you is a problem that has to be adressed.

It is no justification for what you did, but he needs to weight these two issues in his consideration. The cheating is your fault, the marriage problems are your both' issue.
 
Save
Like Like
W
#27 ·
Op stop and read your posts.
While your H was busting his butt to provide for the family, including gym membership for you. You were out banging his life long best friend for 8 months.

You speak a lot about your feelings but very little about your husbands

Aside from assuming his friend would be a dork

You have a very low opinion of your H. So much so that you lie to him as well as break your vows.

Why should be believe you will not do this again? He did give you a chance when he married you the. Again when he confronted you and you lied.

Why do you deserve yet another chance? How do you think he feels? How would you feel if this were him with your best friend?

What have you done so far to help your H recover from your actions? Coming here is a good start.

Nothing that I wrote is intended to be harsh. I just hope you will stop and consider your husbands perspective and follow the constructive advice provided.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#28 ·
Both took a giant sh!t on their marriage. The H started the ball rolling by having an emotional affair with this co-worker at work. I don't care if anyone disagrees, but the husband drew first blood. The OP took her vengeance - but her vengeance was over the top. I would be one of those to say that a physical affair trumps an emotional affair - especially if that physical affair was with a close friend of the betrayed. It is even worse if they didn't use a condom. But at the end the day, both spouses wiped their asses with this marriage.

OP, did you and your OM use protection? You better own up to the truth with your husband, because I think good ole Matt will have already told your H everything. If Matt ejaculated inside of you, then I think it will be very hard for your H to overcome this.
 
W
#30 ·
LL, I am reconciled to my wife after her affair 23 years ago. I am going to try and explain my perspective on it to give you some idea of what may be in your husband's head. I apologise if any of this is hurtful. It is not my intention to hurt. It is my intention to give you ideas to reconcile.

The first thing is to understand that you have destroyed everything. If your husband agrees to work on reconciliation, it will result in the building of something new, not a continuation of what you had. And this is why he can walk away so quickly.

1) He thought you guys had something special. But your actions demonstrate you valued another man above your husband.

2) He thought he could trust you. Your actions prove he couldn't.

3) He wants to believe what you say. Your actions prove he can't. You lied until you were caught. Can you offer an example where you told an unpleasant truth to him that you didn't have to confess?

4) This one is slightly less obvious. He was probably working hard at his career as an act of love for you, and you call it a fault and use it to justify an affair. Related to that, women in an affair often magnify the faults of their husband and say things that are quite unfair. Possibly in your justifications of the affair, you are blaming your husband for things that are your fault, and that really hurts. I can see at least one example of that in your posts....after what you have done you see it as a fault in your husband that he wants a divorce. Boy I hope you haven't said that to him. Cos how I felt, and how he may feel is "I gave her everything...went without so she could have more, and she told me it wasn't enough and threw it back in my face. What is the point of staying when my best isn't good enough?"

So....how does this help you reconcile?

Well...first thing is....it is out of your control. Your husband didn't get any say in your affair. You just did it. It doesn't matter what he did, what he gave...you made that choice and he had no power to stop you. And that is a hard thing to deal with, but the shoe is now on the other foot. You, bluntly, have no power to do anything unless your husband allows it. It's not a nice feeling. But it is part of what he feels....

Still, he loved you once....and the appearance of what he fell in love with is still there.

So my suggestion is.....

1) Deal with your dishonesty. That doesn't mean make promises to him...because no matter how sincere you think you are he won't believe you. It means be honest. Start by giving him all the details...nothing left out. Trust me on this....if you keep secrets now and they come out later, it will be worse than it is now.

2) Put him and the kids first, if only as a sign of remorse. That counts for a lot, but it takes time....years. Years. Yes it's tough, but who caused this problem? You want to fix it...do the time.....

3) Consider some sort of counselling. You need to get to the point where you can recognise YOU did the wrong thing. Do NOT blame him, do NOT make excuses...cos trust me he won't be listening.

And then hope......

For what it is worth....I am still married and happy. It can be done. But I stayed for the kids.....if not for that things would have been very different.

I hope it works out for you. Sorry that you are here.
 
This post has been deleted
This post has been deleted
S
#41 ·
Her husband is working long hard hours at work to support his family. I don't see his mistake.

Meanwhile, she's gone through a depression that she blames her husband for even though it was actually a bunch of things that he didn't cause. And she's been having an affair for 8 months, including in his bed.

Sorry, but I don't see where the husband has done anything wrong except to invite the snake POSOM into his home and treat him with kindness. That was a huge mistake.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Talk About Marriage
posts
5.1M
members
109K
Since
2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Coping with Infidelity General Relationship Discussions Sex in Marriage Going Through Divorce or Separation The Men's Clubhouse