06-01-2012, 02:44 PM
Join Date: May 2011
| | Listen to your spouse
Thanks to the advice Iíve found here my marriage is better. Iíve learned a lot about boundaries, transparency and situations that are being put to good use. I really dodged a bullet just in time and I would like to thank the members who take the time to think about other peoples posts and comment on them. You do make a difference.
My story is not the typical story. My problems started when my marriage was at a high point and life was good. My warning is that you can be hit at any time not just when you are vulnerable or your marriage is suffering.
Iím an advocate of opposite sex friendships but that was also part of the cause and I admit it fully. And to those of you who feel you can control your opposite sex friendships please listen to your spouse. Despite whatever problems you may have with you spouse your spouse still knows you well. They can see when you act differently towards someone. They get the gut feeling because they are picking up on all the vibes of your behavior not just what you say. If I hadnít listened to my wife and the points behind some of her comments, I might have been sucked into the black hole and not have been able to get out.
The cliff notes version: A friend of my wifeís (now the OW) helped out with leading a set of kid activities with my wife. They got me more involved with the kids and the OW gave be some advice which I followed that turned out to really change my life for the better. I got back into a hobby that I have introduced to my kids as well. My wife likes and supports the change as well as the kids. Through kid activities I spent a lot of time with the OW. I really enjoyed her company and advice, the fog descended.
I began to escalate contact and contrived situations to be together. My wife noticed and called the OW my girlfriend. I was developing feelings for the OW and my wife saw it before I did. It wasnít much longer before I realized that I was in love with the OW and that my wife suspected it. Fortunately I never confessed my love to the OW (I still donít think she sees it). I knew I had a problem and found TAM.
I initiated transparency with my communications with my wife. I think she was one of those whom you read about here that didnít have a problem with the relationship because she trusted me. Eventually I confessed my feelings to my wife and we have worked through the hurt. Our solution didnít use the standard TAM no contact prescription. And even so the Fog lifted. And the fog was real, I felt the withdrawal. I have transformed my feelings for the OW into ones like my relatives. Now as far as Iím concerned she is like a sister whom you love but have no desire for.
For those of you reading this whose spouse asks you about someone and you say ďWe are just friends.Ē. Remember that they are asking you for a reason and they probably know the answer. It is time for you to be honest with yourself and see if you can go no contact with your ďfriendĒ for awhile. If you experience withdrawal, you are more than just friends.