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post #31 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-03-2011, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Berilo View Post
Unfortunately, and to my huge disappointment, my wife seems inherently to be at risk for going wayward.



The OM is indeed a coworker. They are in exactly the same line of professional work. She said a couple of months ago that she can "talk to him about anything and he really understands me". Implication: I am useless and insensitive. Sure I am not in the same line of work, but I am in another, equally interesting one. She doesn't seem to be really interested in what I do. I'd be delighted to take her on a lengthy tour of my world.



She might be inherently emotionally un-grounded, confusing attention/excitement for profundity and low-key, warm, sustained stability for dullness. I don't think I "entertained" her enough; but then again, she seems like she can only be entertained on her own terms. She's not "bossy" per se, but very particular about what she wants when she wants it (or doesn't want). She detests surprise parties for her, considering them to be an imposition. Nonetheless, she purports to crave spontaneity -- which I now think is a clever excuse to avoid being pinned down for social events she doesn't want to attend (usually mine). While I like to hang around the home as much as any happily married guy, I thought our social life was becoming a little narrowed/stymied by her.

I just yesterday recalled how she told me that a therapist she saw a few years ago (on a short series of consultations) said that she had a controlling personality and has a big fear of abandonment. There is something to this. Her father left her and two siblings when they were toddlers. Her mother (to mom's credit) stuck with it to provide well enough for the family on her own but kind of burned out in the process; once the kids were in college mom phased out herself to become a bit of a hippie loner. My wife rarely sees her parents or siblings, although one lives close by. I wonder how a non-family has affected her outlook.

She is very friendly and charming in small doses -- her colleagues and casual acquaintances just love her -- and I don't think this is fake at all. But she seems to have precious few real, solid friends outside of a narrow work circle with whom she interacts on a current basis. She also says very unkind things about such friends -- not even as a caring criticism -- often about their lack of ability or persistence or perspective.

Speaking of criticism, she is the original contradiction of "being able to dish it out but not take it". Even friendly suggestions are received like out-of-line comments. (I am not a back-seat driver at all, but occasionally do like to warn the driver if there is something coming that s/he might not see, like a pedestrian behind us in the parking lot of the mall. She told me not to comment on anything again with her driving, as she can see everything. Yes, she is an excellent and alert driver, but this attitude is uniquely over-confident and dangerous.) In many of our arguments, she refuses to try to see my perspective, because it's all cut-and-dried, and I am wrong, deluded, lazy, whatever.

Sometimes I detect a woman trying to be Superwoman, but who is overcompensating to the max at every turn: a hard-boiled exterior which might have a marshmallow trapped inside. But the confection isn't sweet and cute when you get up real close and take a bite -- it's sour and nasty.

Just from this bit that you posted, sounds like your wife could have BPD. Sounds a lot like how I was...look it up and see if there are other things she might identify with.
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post #32 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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Just from this bit that you posted, sounds like your wife could have BPD. Sounds a lot like how I was...look it up and see if there are other things she might identify with.
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Do you mean "borderline personality disorder"? I'll read up on it today.

How does her conduct I outlined remind you of how you were? I am very interested to know.

I really am trying to understand what I am dealing with here.

Thanks!
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post #33 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

I am really stressed out today. Kind of in my own "fog", but it's nothing light and energizing, let me tell you.

I saw more signs yesterday and this morning:

1. She worked late (probably legitimate given her shift) last night but came home REALLY late, at 4:30 am. Funny how she sent me a text message at midnight saying she'd be home soon.
2. She left early this morning to "buy some bread" from the nice bakery around the corner. Which we do often, but it doesn't take an hour. And who thinks of getting up after only 3 hours sleep and buying some bread? (I am thinking she had a snooze somewhere else between midnight and 4:00 am.)
3. Yesterday morning she was on her laptop. She shut down the page quickly when I approached (I could see the action in the mirror).
4. Her cell phones are locked down tight.
5. Her mood varies between being occasionally (and strangely) sweet and upbeat and mostly indifferent, businesslike, or negative.
6. She seems kind of stressed out herself.
7. She is offloading more of the current home responsibilities to me. She "doesn't want to fight" with me about the (modest) home renovation we are doing, so could I please manage it all? Oh, and can I take care of all of the vacation plans for September; she's "not so good at that!" (true, actually). I wonder whether she is mentally checking out of our marital home or just entranced by her romantic "fog" of the affair.

I am trying to be "normal", positive and loving, while gathering the information that I need and planning what to do. I don't want to set off a confrontation with her too early.

This is really killing me though. A dozen sharp jabs a day to the heart and balls. I am finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, including my job.

Last edited by Berilo; 08-04-2011 at 08:53 AM.
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post #34 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:57 AM
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Re: Distressed

What have you discovered so far, the info gathering doesn't need to be like a lawyers discovery beofre trial with no stone left unturned. You need to get this out in the open as quickly as possible before you self destruct!
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post #35 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 02:47 PM
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Re: Distressed

Try;

Voice activated recorder planted in her car. Catch her saying "I love you"

GPS also in her car.Catch her in the lies with regards to her were about. Then you can call her on were she was, or even find out exactly were she was.

I'm thinking she has mentally checked out of the marital home *becuase* there is OM.

I can see 8- point if you can no longer handle the spy game, then confront and take your chances with a weak and noneffective confrontation.

But do not beg for your marriage when you do confront. Let her know you no longer want to be marriaed to a women that has all the red flags of a cheating spouse.

At least with a location from the GPS and a VAR you can at least ask her some specific and informative questions. With a small chance that she thinks she is really busted and admitts.

Hire a PI, or have someone you trust and she doesn't know follow her.

I just think a confrontation would be more effective if you had a place or name, or at least catcher in a lie with regards to her were about, especially if she is truelly is not at work. Again give the GPS a shot!
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post #36 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 03:44 PM
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Re: Distressed

Believe me - not knowing and guessing that she is cheating is way worse than feeling a little icky from snooping and finding out the absolute truth.

You need some hard evidence, once you get it = present it. Do not present your sources. She will try to make you into the bad guy. Dont listen. You did not cause her to cheat. She did. Find out the truth, and hit her in the face with it. (figuratively, of course)
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post #37 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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Believe me - not knowing and guessing that she is cheating is way worse than feeling a little icky from snooping and finding out the absolute truth.

You need some hard evidence, once you get it = present it. Do not present your sources. She will try to make you into the bad guy. Dont listen. You did not cause her to cheat. She did. Find out the truth, and hit her in the face with it. (figuratively, of course)
I agree that not knowing the full extent of this is worse than trying to find out.

I am not sure that any hard evidence I find (unless I actually catch them in the act somewhere) will encourage her to come clean and admit what has been going on. I am doing this for me, so I know what facts I am dealing with, and can take appropriate action from.

She might think that she can continue to mislead, snow and push me around the way she has over the past two years -- but she doesn't know that I am the type of "decent guy" who, when pushed too far, never goes back.
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post #38 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 05:50 PM
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Re: Distressed

I wish you luck.
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post #39 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 06:54 AM
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Re: Distressed

What have you found so far?
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post #40 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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What have you found so far?
In terms of hard evidence, not much, but enough:

1. A text from OM on her cell. ("I miss you, my love", etc.)
2. Lots of calls/text from OM's name on her cell phone record until two weeks ago, then stopped suddenly and then two other names appeared (including the one she hung up on twice in my presence in the car).
3. An email in her trash that she hadn't cleared from a month ago to OM asking if he might want to come by, snuggle and watch a movie with her. Which happened to be the day after I left town on a four-day business trip. (I found this when she forgot to log off her account and fell asleep. A dagger through my heart.)

This is enough objective evidence to make me certain I am not crazy or jealous or imagining things. But the pattern of furtive conduct -- hiding in the bathroom with the door shut too often, locking down and jealously guarding her cell phones, unexplained or inconsistent absences or lapses, finding total fault with me, being indifferent to my well-being (other than formulaically), not being engaged in our home renovation and vacation plans -- is actually a bigger sign.

I need to find a better paper and voice trail to back it up.

Oh, by the way, I have confirmed that OM is married, but "unhappily". He has known my wife for many years and is a "peer" of hers in the profession. He lives in another city a few hours away but comes to work in the same relatively small office as she is in two days a week (stays over a night or two, without his family, of course). So he's a perfect fling for her: he's available every week, "understands her", and is really eager to find some lovin'.

I have never met him, but I hear he is a real animated guy. I think he gushes all over her. I don't "gush", but I am a warm person who frequently expressed my love and appreciation for my wife. I think she is mistaking flash for substance here.

I can almost hear what she's saying to him: "Oh, OM, you are so fun and easy to talk to. You understand me. We can talk about everything. And you're so hot! I can't wait to get more! I can't talk to my husband. He's reserved. He is a stick-in-the-mud, is only interested in [whatever]. And he argues all of the time with me. I think he's defensive about everything. I actually think he's screwing his [secretary/dentist/neighbor/whoever] on the side, you know. But only in the daytime, 'cause he usually falls asleep quickly at night. How fun is that?"

Let's mark this prediction and see how right I am about the dialogue when I find out more.

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post #41 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 07:50 AM
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Re: Distressed

You have enough to out him to his wife and if you know who employs him. He is likely to be using company time to conduct the affair , and no doubt company assets to send mails and/or a company paid hotel room.

Out him to his wife, they are all unhappily married , supposedly, as is your wife according to her. Do not tell your wife, expose and wait , if she changes her behaviour she is still I'm contact. Be decisive and act fast.
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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 08-05-2011 at 08:06 AM.
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post #42 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 07:55 AM
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Re: Distressed

What kind of phone does she have? IS it an Iphone?
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post #43 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 08:11 AM
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Re: Distressed

The text/calls/email are PLENTY to have the sit-down confrontation right now. Having "proof" is not a requirement to have an open discussion with your wife about what you KNOW she is doing.

Don't reveal how you know. Just reveal that you know, and want to discuss what is going top happen moving forward -- as in, "Does she or does she not want to be married?" I don't get what you're waiting for to have this discussion, because from all her actions you describe, she's as likely to say "No" as she is "Yes".

if she says "Yes", then you get immediate open access to everything, because she will have nothing to hide...you will know right then and there what's happening.

Like 8yrs said, you don't need to gather evidence as if you're Perry Mason walking in to court.

Of course she will deny, and I get that you want to be able to show her something and say "well what about this then???" -- but meanwhile, this activity goes on, gets deeper, and she gets time to cover her tracks.

I would not wait a second longer. You KNOW what's going on, and so does she obviously. You don't need to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt to a jury.

Again, do have specific plans of action for what you will do with either response from her. Good luck!
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post #44 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 08:11 AM
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Re: Distressed

I suspect they have gone underground and have another way of communicating. Remember the evidence of the affair does not have to stand up in court it is for you to be sure she is in the affair , while what you have is sparse it enough to let his wife know. To gather more , keyloggers, phone spyware, gps in her car and a couple of VARs strategically place will give you more. I would continue to snoop but do encourage you to let his wife know, two pairs of eyes are better than one. Confront your wife as well
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post #45 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 08:23 AM
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Re: Distressed

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Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
You have enough to out him to his wife and if you know who employs him. He is likely to be using company time to conduct the affair , and no doubt company assets to send mails and/or a company paid hotel room.
Definitely expose the A to the company Human Resources department, she is already using her company issued cell phone to conduct the affair as well as the above.

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Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
Out him to his wife, they are all unhappily married , supposedly, as is your wife according to her. Do not tell your wife, expose and wait , if she changes her behaviour she is still I'm contact. Be decisive and act fast.
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Yup. Cheating men will usually say:
1. They are in an unhappy, loveless, sexless marriage
2. His wife is cheating already, doesn't care and they plan to divorce.
3. His wife is batsh!t crazy, and they plan to divorce

Or some variation of the above.
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