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Before you decide to leave. Read my story

122K views 205 replies 114 participants last post by  225985 
#1 ·
Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.

Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.

Some time over a year ago I felt like I was missing something from our marriage. I felt like I didn't have enough time or attention with my husband. He had his work and other things of interest but I was sort of on the side, or at least that is what I felt. I felt a bit silly complaining about it so I just let it go. It was a mistake.

During that time we ( me and my husband ) went to a neighbors party and I met a friend of a friend. He was nice man he had a business the next town over. We spoke a bit I didn't think much of it. He asked what I did and was interested in some work for his business. I gave him my work number and continued on with the party.

Two days later I get a call from this man lets call him Jim. Jim wants some work done and we go over some ideas and prices, he then asks for my cell number. At first I was a bit hesitant but I gave it to him. I pretended it was for work, but I knew deep down it wasn't. He was a single man in his mid 40s like myself and my husband.

We began to talk and what started out as a emotional relationship went physical. We only meet a few times before I got caught about 4 or 5 months into it.

Of course my husband was furious with me as it brought up an old incident. When my second son was 6 months old I had an emotional affair via phone and text with a old high school boyfriend that came back to town for a short time. We went to counseling and it worked itself out. I admit it was really foolish and stupid of me.

But now its different.

We contact a marriage counselor and we started counseling, unfortunately I kept in contact with Jim. You guys call that a fake reconciliation. I just couldn't give him up. I thought I loved him and he told me he loved me.

I got caught twice during talking to Jim. The 2nd time was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. I told my husband I was talking to a friend at work named carol who went through this as well, but in reality it was Jim. Understandably my husband blew his top since I was at home talking with Jim when he thought it was Carol.

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is. I loved my husband when I married him, I love my kids.

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.

Me and Jim talked about our future together, how much we loved each other.

In the end I said those words I keep reading about here all the time. " I love you but I'm not in love with anymore."

I know it killed my husband I could see it in his face, his whole body. But to me I felt I had to be strong for me and for even my husband. He deserved someone to love him as well.

Why live this lie anymore I thought.

Well Divorce isn't easy. I stayed in the extra bedroom as we drew up the paperwork.

During this time my husband finally just stopped asking me to fix it. At first I was relieved that I didn't have to hear it anymore and I didn't have to keep breaking his heart every time as well. But part of me was a bit agitated that he was over me or was strong enough to fake it at least. I realized that I lost one of my anchors and this was happening.

Again Jim kept reassuring me being by my side so I was strong.

My husband lost weight from the stress and then began going to the gym to work out. It was a noticeable change. He also seemed to be more in charge or more organized.

Well we signed the papers and he gave some last words expressing how disappointed he was with me.

I moved into my new apartment and we did the customary every other weekend thing.

As expected my kids would go over to now my Ex and Jim would come over on Friday, spend the night and we would be together all day Saturday. Basically like a new relationship acting like kids and making "love" all the time and all over the place.

Months went by my Ex meet someone. Fortunately for men in this day in age, Men usually can or do date younger women and of course this women was almost 10 years younger then me. Yes it annoyed me.

Well reality started setting in about 7 months after I left. There isn't anything particular I can say started it. But I remember one time, one of sons was sick and I can tell that Jim was a bit annoyed that I kept him home and just let my other son go to his dads. He commented why couldn't my Ex handle it.

It was those sorts of things that made me compare Jim to my EX and since Jim had no children I could see he just couldn't understand the bond between a parent and a child.

It took about another 2 week before I can only call it the slap of reality set in. Me and Jim fell apart, he moved on. This "Fog" my Ex spoke about started to lift and I started saying what in the world did I do.

I started reflecting back on the past year I began to cry uncontrollably. The one person in the world that would have done ANYTHING for me and I left him. It was only then did I understand what being married was and what being a family is. I should have done whatever I could to keep my family.

I was ashamed that I didn't see this earlier. That I didn't see that my family was worth more then this. That I was totally selfish.

My husband kept telling me all of this, but it just sounded all crazy and silly. It just sounded like a man making excuses to get back together.

Well now that I see and understand, I would see my Ex and I started having feeling for him. But I just didn't have the courage to say anything after all I did to him. How could I, plus he is with someone else now.

I wait another 2 month its just about 9 1/2 months since I left and I finally convince him to come over to help out with something for the kids. I fix myself up and I pour my heart out to him. Something I never did in my life. I cried, I begged and apologized.

What came next killed me. He told no, that he was sorry, but he couldn't risk the pain and that if he was going to take a chance of getting hurt it was with this new person in his life.

He left and I cried for 2 weeks straight. I now knew what I put him through. What he felt those months ago. I wanted to die from the pain. I couldn't believe how I destroyed my family and the only man that loved me and understood me for all my faults and issues.

I went to therapy because I knew I needed the help.

So today I came here to post this because my therapist felt it would be a way to heal and maybe I feel a bit better knowing I might help someone else out. To tell my story and hope that someone who might be on the fence would make the right choice to save their family.

I was a fool for not seeing this all for what it was. For not seeing that the one man that loved me was right in front of all this time. That I didn't fight for my marriage and my family. That I waited, when I should have ran back to him to tell him sorry. But I let my pride and fear get in my way. Maybe if I went sooner he would have changed his mind. I will never know now.

Now instead of being with the person I truly love and that loved me. With the father of my children. The person that has been with me through thick and thin.

Now I will have to compromise and settle for someone else that is not him. Its a harsh and bitter reality. I ruined my kids lives as well.

So I hope this will help someone out. Today I see that short of some kind of abuse there is nothing worth giving up a family for.
 
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#2 ·
I am so sorry to hear that things turned out they way they have. Hopefully the both of you can come together enough to raise the kids. Thank you for sharing your story. And hopefully other people that think an affair is even a remote possibility will take the time to read this and stop. It DOES NOT solve any issues. It brings pain to all people involved wither that be the WS(s), BS(s) or AP. Even when couples stay together after an affair it is never the same.
 
#7 ·
I don't think she'll get too beat up (at least I hope not). This is probably the most remorseful out-of-the-gate posting I've ever witnessed first hand.

And I agree...this one will be around for a while.

So sorry for what has happened, IMAM.

:(
 
#102 ·
Sorry to say this, but I'm glad for your husband he moved on. You treated him worse than sh*t on your shoe.

I hope his new woman shows him the love he deserves.

Poor man.
Actually, you were not sorry to say this. So why pretend you were?

Did you actually think that by posting up that little white lie that would excuse what you were going to say?

I think she is fully aware she treated her husband badly.

I think that might have been one of the reasons she posted here. Her husband reads or posts here, too.

Hope seeing his ex-wife's post helps him to move on.
 
#13 ·
And that is why the LS should always leave after you've given them their chance to come back.

Sad story but the husband made the right choice in this case and it should always be this choice IMO. If you're given that one chance to go back and make it work and you throw it in their face, tough.

Some are lucky and have someone who would wait an eternity for their spouse to come back. Sucks to be the LS in that case but it's their life and that's what they want I give them props for having such a huge heart.

Sorry but if someone kicks me in the nuts and I forgive them and they kick me a 2nd time. Screw that, not going to chance getting kicked a 3rd time.

OP, you've learned a huge lesson and hopefully it carry over to your next relationship and help you. We learn from our mistakes, or we should learn from our mistakes.
 
#14 ·
There was a thread about realistic movies about infidelity. The OP recommended "Take This Waltz". Great movie which shows how the "unfulfilled" WS was seeking something "shiny and new". She develops and EA with a neighbor and leaves after DDay. It shows how, in her fog of her new romance, the POSOM seems to be everything she needs. In the end, the "shiny and new" loses its lustre and the WS is back to square one, regretting leaving her husband.

Reading the OP's post reminded me of this movie.
 
#15 ·
The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this. But he tried more then I did. But the longer I was there the more he annoyed me.

I wanted to see Jim but I was stuck here with him. I knew my attitude wasn't the best with him. Anything he asked me would some how set me off.
I want to thank you for your honesty. Especially this part of your post. I have been reading this board for several weeks and the first advice they tell a BS is to not beg, cry, etc. Just do the 180 and act strong. Getting inside the mind of a WS to understand why is tremendously helpful.

Again, thank you for your honesty, but can you imagine how awful it is that someone crushes your heart, and then calls you a pest and annoying? That would be like someone stabbing you, then yelling at you for getting blood on the floor.
 
#17 ·
I am truly very sorry for you and your EX husband. We all make mistakes and you understand what the pain is. My EX is coming out of her fog. I like your husband reached a point of no return. The fog is amazingly powerful. I'm sorry you didn't see things clearly when you were in it. God bless you.
 
#18 ·
Wow, that is the perfect insight into why the 180 is a helpful step. I've been reading for a long time, but it is always from the BS' point of view. To hear a WS actually say "annoying and a pest" when we have MULTIPLE threads of men saying "I am begging, crying, pleading, screaming, chasing and you posters are wrong about the 180" is very helpful.

Very good post.
 
#20 ·
Well, another helpful step would've been to nuke the affair, but it would appear no effort was made in regards to exposure. If he knew about "the fog", then I'm almost certain he knew about exposure as well, but didn't pull the pin on that grenade for reasons unknown.

Sounds like all he did was try to educate a wayward, and we all know how fruitless that is.
 
#22 ·
So...have you given up? Again?

As mentioned by others, you put this man through hell. I mean, you divorced his a$$ for pity's sake! Surely you understood when you decided that you wanted to reconcile that he most likely wouldn't jump at your very first offer. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

A cheating spouse has a lot of trust to regain before the relationship can become secure again. A cheating spouse who refused to change, continued the affair, went through with divorce and only saw the error of her ways after being dumped by her (what turned out to be) fling, needs to be prepared to...? Man, I don't know. But I'm willing to concede that it's possible. And if acheived, who can deny that it would have been worth it?

My very personal and very humble opinion would be to set up your own hoops and light them on fire yourself and then just start jumping through them. If it wins your husband back, fine and well, but do it more because you owe it to him. Whether or not he takes you back you owe it to him and your kids to make a jackass out of yourself trying. But most important, do it for yourself. It may be too little too late, but don't you at least want to be able to say that you tried? I mean an honest, gut wrenching, soul searing attempt. People looking back on this should see your efforts to reconcile as more memorable than what came before. And then you will be able to say, with a tear in your eye but with your head held high, "I'm ashamed of destroying my family but proud of myself for doing all I could to salvage it."
 
#92 ·
So...have you given up? Again?

As mentioned by others, you put this man through hell. I mean, you divorced his a$$ for pity's sake! Surely you understood when you decided that you wanted to reconcile that he most likely wouldn't jump at your very first offer. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

A cheating spouse has a lot of trust to regain before the relationship can become secure again. A cheating spouse who refused to change, continued the affair, went through with divorce and only saw the error of her ways after being dumped by her (what turned out to be) fling, needs to be prepared to...? Man, I don't know. But I'm willing to concede that it's possible. And if acheived, who can deny that it would have been worth it?
LOL
My very personal and very humble opinion would be to set up your own hoops and light them on fire yourself and then just start jumping through them. If it wins your husband back, fine and well, but do it more because you owe it to him. Whether or not he takes you back you owe it to him and your kids to make a jackass out of yourself trying. But most important, do it for yourself. It may be too little too late, but don't you at least want to be able to say that you tried? I mean an honest, gut wrenching, soul searing attempt. People looking back on this should see your efforts to reconcile as more memorable than what came before. And then you will be able to say, with a tear in your eye but with your head held high, "I'm ashamed of destroying my family but proud of myself for doing all I could to salvage it."
Lol
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#24 ·
If your husband was on this board and got advice here, I would like to see his side of how things developed and his attempts to win you back before finally throwing in the towel.

You have some growing to do - please continue your personal growrh. That's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Don't jump into another relationship until you are ready. And when you do, be sure to do a thorough background check on your man before you get too serious.
 
#128 ·
If your husband was on this board and got advice here, I would like to see his side of how things developed and his attempts to win you back before finally throwing in the towel.
no matter what he tried to do, her fog wouldnt allow her to see the effort he was putting, she couldnt see how much he loved her, and when she realized that no other man will love her as he did, the best thing he could do was to leave and move on

i wish there was more threads talking about the outcome of it all, i believe at the end the person that wants out the marriage regrets it and most of the times PRIDE wont allow them to try to work things out
 
#25 ·
However Imadeamistake, would you not still be with Jim if he hadn't been unreasonable about your ill son and other issues.

Not only did you destroy your husband with your two affairs, having destroyed him you waited until he had moved on and started to make a new life for himself and then you decided to twist the knife yet again by wanting him to forgive and forget and take you back.

I am not being intentionally mean but I do find it difficult to feel sorry for you. However I do hope that you learn from this and carry it forward into a possible future relationship.

As a little glimmer of hope for you I would ask you to look up two threads by a poster called rookie4. His wife betrayed him, realised she had made a mistake and tried to get back with him. It was too late, he had moved on. Now, a few years later they are well on the way to reconciling.
 
#27 ·
All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is.

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this.
See this is why the betrayed spouse needs to kick the cheater to the curb from day one and get on with their lives. Forget about begging, pleading, compromising, transparency, exposure, affair busting, etc.

Once you find out they're cheating, kick them to the freaking curb and go live your own life. Complete 180 and don't look back, at LEAST for a few months.

If they start to show real remorse, then maybe you can reconsider down the line. You always have the option to take them back but chasing them to try to win them over has the opposite effect

Folks, you read it through the eyes of a remorseful cheater, it doesn't get any better than this.
 
#28 ·
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61712-could-you-reconcile.html?highlight=rookie

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64615-yes-i-can.html?highlight=rookie

Imadeamistake If you are still around, please take the time to read the two threads that i have posted links to. Not sure if it will help but maybe it could give you some hope.

Sorry to say this but your EX did the right thing. giving your self to another man should always be a deal breaker. If you think about it you only started looking at your ex as an option AFTER you were dumped.

The odds are that you will someday do this again to someone else especially if you just settle. Even the most remorseful WW is at about 80% odds to repeat this behavior. You are no different
 
#30 ·
No bashing from me. Just sadness. This is why we always recommend blowing up the affair in order to break the wayward out of the fog. Had your husband done that maybe things could have turned out differently. But the BS is under no obligation to try to save the WS. Maybe this is for the best.....for him.
 
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