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What time you expect your spouse to be home after social time

44K views 63 replies 22 participants last post by  LexusNexus  
#1 ·
Most of us work. Some people work from 8-5 some people until 7.30pm. If you are in committed relationship and you have a child, you don't have trust issue and your spouse wants to go out with friends. What do you think is reasonable time for your spouse to come home? And how often? So you both feel comfortable.
 
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#5 ·
If no trust issues or anything like that then I've never given H a curfew or vice versa. Seems like something we'd do for our teenager and not each other. We also don't limit how often. More important to me is that he always invites me along. Sometimes I go, usually not. He also tells me honestly when he expects to be home, if it's just drinks after work and he'll be home by 8:00 or friends in from out of town, might close down the bars. Then he calls if plans change.
I think it's important to maintain outside friends and interests so I don't think I would make a big deal of it until/unless it started to get out of hand.
 
#8 ·
Early enough that your spouse does not question it.

Frequency? They are glad you are going out is good.

They are questioning it on a forum... too often. Just cuz your friends do it doesn't mean you should. Make all the plans in the world, but gauge the environment at home before you step out the door. If your spouse had a bad day or wants to talk about something, break your plans.
 
#9 ·
I know the importance of social life. I trust my wife, but I think she goes over the limit. She works untill 7.30pm. By the time she leaves work it's about 8 pm. She doesnt get home until 12 or 12.30am. At the same time she text every 1-2 hours and tell me she is on her way. She does it 3 times a month.
 
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#10 ·
We don't have children but my husband would go out until 3am sometimes without me before we moved to the city. I was always invited but my days of partying into the small hours are behind me - I just don't enjoy that anymore. I'd rather sleep! I would be lying if I said I loved it though. It was never more than once every 2 months, and he was with friends I knew, and we lived in a TINY town where we knew everyone, and he was on foot, so it was pretty much the least threatening situation, but I still didn't love it. I kept that to myself though, since it's not his fault that I'm a boring stick in the mud who can't stay up late.

Now that we live in a real city... he hasn't gone out in the evening without me (except to play sports and he is home before dinner) yet... I hope he doesn't decide to start. I would say 1 or 2am as a cutoff for how late I would find acceptable. We don't have kids and we live in a country where dinner is usually around 11:00pm so we're used to things running a little later than in the US.
 
#15 ·
Assuming no trust issues, I would ask wifey when she was going to be back, and if I had a problem with the time, I would discuss with her. If I knew Alcohol was to be involved I would take into account that she may lose track of time, or simply forget, and that would be okay with me, but this would also be conversed.

Ultimately it is up to both spouses to communicate effectively and come to a mutually acceptable time before the outing.
 
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#18 ·
Hubs goes out Sunday mornings sometimes for a canyon run (with his car and his buddies with their fast cars) and he's home by 10am.

When he goes out with friends (Maybe once a month) he comes in around 1 or 2am. Just like I do when I'm out with friends.

But we have a deal to come home for dinner, kids' bedtimes, etc...then we go out around 8:30-9pm.
 
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#20 ·
I don't think relationships are about telling somebody what they can and can't do. Some people are happy for their partners to go out multiple times a week, other don't want them out at all.
It's all about compromise - communicating what each expects and meeting in the middle. It's whatever makes each partner happy. Don't judge your relationship and expectations based on others and what you think it should be like. Just what you both want.
As long as there's respect and compromise, I don't believe in "letting" your partner do something, giving them a "curfew". I used to try that - it didn't work. When I showed respect for my husband as a man and not something I got to control, I got respect back.
We share our lives wih each other and our kids, but we are individuals too. Everybody's needs are different.
 
#21 ·
Hey LexNex------Your wife does realize she is married right

If she needs to unwind with co-workers, then one drink, and she comes home, and that whole thing should have her home by 9 p m

As to going out with her friends----starting at 8 p m, no more than once a month at that time, and DEMAND she stay out of bars, nightclubs---if they go out---its to a dinner house, movie, sporting events, theatre, hobby, things like that---if she wants to see her GF's, a couple more times, it should start earlier, or even in the daytime, and do those same things

A married woman, should not be on her OWN at bars, dancehalls, nightclubs, stripjoints, even with her married friends----they are all putting themselves AT RISK, and IN HARMS WAY---they are gonna get hit on, and everyone on this thread knows it

Alcohol, is gonna lower her inhibitions, and if she really wants to do something, she can just lie to her friends, have her little sexcapade, and you will never know it happened----and please KNOW ONE TRY TO DENY IT, CUZ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME---STATISTICS BEAR IT OUT!!!!!!
 
#22 ·
It is different if women go out on their own to some degree, and nightclubs and general known pickup places don't make anyone comfortable.
But this crap about only being allowed to go for an hour, all over by 9pm, only once a month, and demanding where she can and can't go - crap. It's all fair to express what you want, but you can't put limits on your partner like that or you're ultimately trying to control their life and that's not your right. That will just cause resentment. Once your feelings are explained, she should come to this decision by herself, and hopefully it's the right one that's comfortable for your relationship.
What happens if she's an hour over curfew? She gets in trouble?
I have no trouble with men being the man of the house - but there's a difference between being a leader and a dictator.
 
#24 ·
I'm so glad my hubby rarely goes out. He'd rather spend his time with us. On the very rare occasions he goes out(weekends), he is home by 11pm. Usually he goes out with one friend to watch a band play near our house.

My ex husband would go out several nights a week, including weekends. He would stay out much later and wouldn't usually return home until 3:30-5:30am. He was very unfaithful and had several PA's.
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#41 · (Edited)
No boundaries. Not willing to discuss them. No consequences. Why change?

So again the real boundaries are really about your boundaries. What are your boundaries as it pertains to your wife's activities? Since everything is so relative and she is unwilling to discuss boundaries it runs the gamut of reasonable behavior to living in an open marriage.

So where are your boundaries?

Are you ok with not knowing her boundaries? Having agreed upon boundaries are generally stronger than one choosing boundaries by shooting from the hip. Letting boundaries be determined by the actions taking place is not really a boundary. That leads to if it feels good it is ok. So the biggest red flag is that your guys cannot discuss this. Who knows who is being unreasonable but pretty much you have been put on notice that you are not one of her top needs. So are you ok with that?
 
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#48 ·
Yes I am reding 5 languages of love and we will do questionnaire together. I am Alpha male, always was and always will be. The biggest problem we are facing now she cannot tell the difference between boundaries and control. She knows my boundaries. My wife does not know how to compromize. I dont want to control her. So when I told her you cannot go out until 1am, she said whats the purpose of going out at all. So she stoped. I said lets find reasonable time so we both feel confident. I said you can go during a day, or stay until 10-11pm. She said I feel like I am being controled. Nobody can change the way she feels.
 
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#44 ·
Hey LexNex---I used to drive all the curves on Mulhulland, from Hollywood, to the other end of the valley and beyond---good times, cept when the cops got us for racing our vehicles in those curves

No one is saying your spouse cannot go out on their own---but why does a spouse get married, if they are gonna go out to bars, and places where they can get hit on

A spouse DOES HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO THEIR FAMILY TO COME HOME AT A REASONABLE HOUR AND BE PART OF THAT FAMILY----You don't like those ideas stay the he*l away from being married

As has been said---it's all about what you put your spouse and family thru, and going out drinking more than once a week, and for more than one drink, VIOLATES THE BOUNDARIES OF MGE.

If you take your vows, then act like a spouse, and spend MOST of your time with your family---that's just the way it is----it's because spouses, wanna play that D. stats are so high

Your either married or your single---has nothing to do with control---has to do with being a proper married partner, and member of a family.
 
#53 ·
Those racing days are over I had Dinan supercharged BMW E39 M5, then Porsche GT twin turbo, now I am married guy with SUV.

She knows how I feel, the biggest problem with my wife she came from one sheltered relationship to another. Meaning from her dad to me. Now she feels like she is being controled. So we are working on finding what's best for us.
 
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#45 ·
Before my wife started working for the family business she would have GNO with co-workers once every other week. I was never interested in going and they always were done by 9 or 10Pm. She always asked me to go, so I went once. Let's just say I would rather put a bullet in my head then ever go again.

5 ladies eating at TGIF and complaining about work, kids and life = a husband who went and sat at the bar by himself so that I wouldn't go postal in the restaurant.

Now, if they had gone to a bar/club and my wife got drunk and proceeded to flirt with any and all guys in the place then I probably would have ended her GNO then and there.

Go out with your wife and that'll probably help you decide on what you want to do next.
 
#60 ·
This is in no way a matter of control, it is about what is proper for married spouses to do/boundaries for married spouses----You have been given all the reasons on the why of all of this

Maybe you could try to make her feel better, and mge., is making each other feel good, by sending her flowers, by taking her on dates, and if you need to get a baby sitter do so-----your child while immensely important, should not keep the 2 of you from doing things together, and going out on dates is one of them------Go to Hollywood Park, to the races,---it is lots of fun, go to USC, and UCLA sporting events---go to the movies, YOU take her dancing,---go out to dinner, go out and exercise together, work on your hobbies together if possible----throw a party at your house for FRIENDS of your mge.---get together with friends ---there are lots of things you can do---start doing them!!!!!!

I understand due to the lateness of her getting home, things during the week, are hard---maybe she needs to get her shift at work switched---I know you need the money from her work, to make your mge., be viable financially, but work in and of itself, should not bring a mge., down, and obviously her work hours are a problem---and I am in no way suggesting she quit her job, as jobs in So. Calif, are tuff to come by----

Just go back to those days, when you 2 were starry eyed lovers, and WOO her, make her want to come home to you, and not be out drinking with her workplace buddies-----you can do it.
 
#63 ·
No its not about money, we dont have financial need. We have a house, cars, private school. She didnt work until 29 we have everything. She has everything in life. May be thats why she is confused. Trust me we did this before going out, date nights, friends, no races any more, dinner, flowers. Work out together, you name it. Something changed 1 month ago. I cannot figure out what. I think she is confused, she doesnt what she wants. She said I want to be in control of myself.
 
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