My fiancee has zero sex drive

jasonwylder · May 21, 2012

I'm assuming I'm just one of many guys with this problem, but here goes anyway. I'm 30, my fiancee is 23, and we've been together almost 3 years. We're getting married this August, and while we're both madly in love with each other, the bedroom has become a dead zone. This all stems from her condition, where she suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, resulting in being prescribed sertraline and wellbutrin to keep her calm. As a result, her sex drive has been all but killed off. The last time we had a full sex session was January 2011, and then we tried again in July 2011, only that session ended suddenly because she was experiencing nothing but pain during sex. Since then, anytime I try to initiate, she's never in the mood. Furthermore, we both discussed the problem at length, and she admitted that while she does get aroused, it usually only happens when I'm not home, and she never waits for me. She fully admitted to preferring mastubation over sex, which she tends to view as a chore, but never stops apologizing for how it's affecting me. I love my fiancee more than anything, and we've both seriously talked about children.

It's gotten to the point where, despite her assurance, I think there will only be a vacation, not a honeymoon. She swears it will happen, but I really do doubt it. Now whenever I get aroused, it makes me depressed knowing full well that the woman who wants to be my wife more than anything has no desire to share that physical intimacy. Some days, I fear that I might become the type of guy I never wanted to be, and commit infidelity.

I just don't know what else to do to fix this problem with someone who has shown little motivation on actually fixing the problem as well. Does anyone have any useful suggestions?

Jellybeans · May 21, 2012

Getting married isn't going to increase her libido. If you haven't had sex in a year and a half with her, don't expect that to change after a wedding. She's told you straight up she's not into it and isn't wiling to compromise. You already know what the score is. So if you do go thru with it, don't complain later that she doesn't have sex with you.
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frustr8dhubby · May 21, 2012

Aye, you need to seriously consider marrying her.

Now, with that said, supposedly anti-depressants can have serious affects on your drive. I currently take sertraline (generic Zoloft) and have taken wellbutrin in the past and neither affected me but but I didn't take them together and my Dr. often asks if there is any decrease in libido.

EleGirl · May 21, 2012

What you have right now is what your life is going to be like if you stay with her.

If she can promise you that there will be sex after marriage then she can have sex now.

So, if you want to have sex in your life do not marry her.

If you do marry her do not expect sex. Do not get upset if you never have sex again in y our life because it would be unfair to her, knowing how she is to expect sex from her.

Are you sure that those medications decrease libido? For me and my husband, and many others Wellbutrin increases libido.

Catherine602 · May 21, 2012

You are going to have a difficult life with her if you marry. Read some of the post of men in sexless marriages.

I am not saying you should not try to fix this, you may get a breakthrough but it is usually an intractable problem. You have to decide if your sex drive is low enough to be happy having little or no sex for decades.

First place to start is he gyn. The pain is not normal. second is a therapist and maybe a sex therapist Why not put the wedding planning on hold and put your energies into solving a very serous problems.

Runs like Dog · May 21, 2012

She could not be more obvious if she wore a sandwich board that said "I really don't like you very much"

J'Accused · May 21, 2012

My marriage of 14 years is ending and a lack of libido from my wife is at the core of the problem. You may convince yourself its not important or come up with some kind of alternative, but believe me if its not working now save yourself the aggravation. It is an important factor in you relationship and think of it this way this is the only person you are supposed to have a sexual relationship with, so good luck

Browncoat · May 21, 2012

We will celebrate our 15th anniversary this year, and for our entire marriage her libido has been an issue (and her experiencing sexual pains). OP you are signing yourself up for a lot of heartache if you marry this woman. No one here can tell you what to do, but I would STRONGLY consider that you REALLY REALLY consider if you want to sign yourself up for a life of sexual disappointment. It is a gut wrenching and agonizing situation for any HD partner in such a marriage.

Not saying it can't work out, and I'm not saying there's not a lot of love between you two OP (my wife and I love each other very much as well)... just saying this is a HARD life you are signing up for.

norajane · May 21, 2012

Now whenever I get aroused, it makes me depressed knowing full well that the woman who wants to be my wife more than anything has no desire to share that physical intimacy.

Do you want a lifetime of that? No? Then don't get married. Because you already know she prefers masturbation to sex with you. This isn't a "drive" issue if she has drive enough to masturbate, but no drive for you. She doesn't want to have sex with you. She thinks sex with you is a chore.

What is your definition of "wife"? Is it a woman who has no desire to have sex with her husband and sees it as a chore?

Stay with her and you'll be the one on a full battery of anti-depressant drugs soon.

Hicks · May 21, 2012

Statistics show that 1 in every 10,000 women become more sexual toward their man after marriage occurs.

Catherine602 · May 21, 2012

I think you're off by several zero's it's 1 in a million.

unbelievable · May 21, 2012

Dude! Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't think about it. Don't talk about it. Pack your crap and run!!!! If you don't, your life will be one very long, very frustrating, endless parade of B.S. excuses. You will end up praying for Death to finally show up. Understand this....marrying this person is the same as agreeing to live a life of celibacy. It would be smarter to agree to castration. You aren't even married yet. You're seeing her at her absolute best, Sunday-Go-To-Meeting behavior. This is as wonderful as she's ever going to get and it already sucks enough for you to be on a marriage forum. Run!!!!!!!!

Aristotle · May 21, 2012

Rethink marriage and let her know what your issues are. She can either work on it and be the woman you need her to be, or you will have a very miserable sexless marriage. If she can get away with being your fiancee and only giving you sex once a year, my god, you will never even see her nude when you are married.

Posse · May 21, 2012

jasonwylder said:
I just don't know what else to do to fix this problem with someone who has shown little motivation on actually fixing the problem as well. Does anyone have any useful suggestions?

Yes. You need to break off your relationship and find someone else who you will be compatible with. Marry your fiancee, and it will not get better.

You are at the apex of your sexual relationship right now. It is VERY VERY likely only going to get worse from here, if that is even possible.

You aren't even married, and she thinks of sex as a chore?!!

Be very, very grateful you found that out now. Seriously!!

In the name of all that is holy, DO NOT marry your fiancee.

nader · May 21, 2012

I'm not sure if it's a medication issue.. Welbutrin is often prescribed because it's one of the few anti-depressants that doesn't' meet with your sex drive. I take 150mg daily and am doing just great. My wife took zoloft for awhile and I can't really say what effect it had bc she was pregnant at the time.

Furthermore, we both discussed the problem at length, and she admitted that while she does get aroused, it usually only happens when I'm not home, and she never waits for me. She fully admitted to preferring mastubation over sex, which she tends to view as a chore, but never stops apologizing for how it's affecting me. I love my fiancee more than anything, and we've both seriously talked about children.

red flags bolded here.. This is screwed up on so many levels! Dude, it really sounds like you just don't have the right chemistry. she prefers alone time to sex with you. She said she gets aroused when you're not around, so she can't blame the meds! She can apologize her ass off and that won't make it better. That just doesn't sound like someone who is madly in love with you. If anxiety and medication are her excuses now, she'll have a multitude of new excuses after you have kids!

My wife is exactly the opposite.. she rarely masturbates, if at all. She says "it's no fun all by myself." of course I'd love her to be able to enjoy that alone time, but not at my expense. You said she gets horny when she's all by herself and doesn't wait for you.. then tells you it's anxiety/medication/panic attacks. You should call bull**** on this behavior and stop letting her make excuses.

I agree with those who say dont' walk, run. And it's probably best for her as well.

If you can't bring yourself to end it, at the very least postpone the wedding and let her know why. When you commit the rest of your life to someone, she should be sexually attracted to you and enjoy being with you. If it's not on like donkey kong and you aren't even married yet... that's not a good sign.

best of luck to you.

sinnister · May 21, 2012

The anxiety and panic attacks are an excuse. Marry her and you'll regret it.

Minncouple · May 21, 2012

Ok, this will be some tough love for you man.

RUN away from this chick as fast as you can. You are to young to be caught up in her bs drama life.

It will never get better, deal with it now while your not married and have no kids. She is a train wreck and your on board for the ride.

sorry to be blunt, but you are blinded by this thing you call love.

Hurra · May 22, 2012

Like Tina Turner said, whats love got to do with it. DO NOT MARRY HER. If you do you will be back here saying the same thing but about your wife. At least postpone the marriage until her problem is fixed, as well as the sex life. I wish i was in your position. You have nothing stopping you from leaving. If i had my time back i would have put my sexual expectations out on the table during marriage prep class and got her to sign it. But instead we talked about material things. Anywho, i digress. You will be more miserable after marriage, trust us.

My fiancee has zero sex drive

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