She still wants you because the OM doesn't want her yet (or never will).
I was the same, the minute the OW said that she wanted to be with me, that's when I didn't want to be with the wife anymore. Before that, I always made sure I kept the wife happy just in case.
Like other posters have said, it's time to man up and play hard ball. Cheaters don't respond to nice, nice = we keep cheating or we go into depression mode and then you're the a-hole that we blame because you ruined our relationship with the love of our life (btw which isn't you right now).
If we think you are about to kick us out, we'll play the victim and become Mr/Mrs Nice to make peace. But if we know we can keep on doing it then we'll keep pushing the boundaries to see how far we can go. If you keep giving us more leash, we'll keep doing more and more but just try to hide it better.
Like I said, I played the nice guy up to about when the OW said she would like to be with me. Then at that point I didn't care about how the wife felt anymore. The minute a cheater thinks the OW/OM is gonna be with them permanently, you'll get the famous, "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore."
She still wants you because the OM doesn't want her yet (or never will).
I was the same, the minute the OW said that she wanted to be with me, that's when I didn't want to be with the wife anymore. Before that, I always made sure I kept the wife happy just in case.
Like other posters have said, it's time to man up and play hard ball. Cheaters don't respond to nice, nice = we keep cheating or we go into depression mode and then you're the a-hole that we blame because you ruined our relationship with the love of our life (btw which isn't you right now).
If we think you are about to kick us out, we'll play the victim and become Mr/Mrs Nice to make peace. But if we know we can keep on doing it then we'll keep pushing the boundaries to see how far we can go. If you keep giving us more leash, we'll keep doing more and more but just try to hide it better.
Like I said, I played the nice guy up to about when the OW said she would like to be with me. Then at that point I didn't care about how the wife felt anymore. The minute a cheater thinks the OW/OM is gonna be with them permanently, you'll get the famous, "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore."
There are exceptions to that - I was, but my EA broke most of the stereo types. And while me and my EA didn't go that way it is right way more than it's not.
CH, what happened in the end of your story? You ended up with your wife right?
Yeah, we stayed married thanks to my wife's big heart and now have 3 beautiful (I call them my 3 monsters from hell, spoiled rotten by the grandparents lol) daughters.
The main reason she wants to stay in M with you at this point is that she knows there is no future with OM since he's married. Other than that, her mind is all about OM now. I suggest the following.
- Inform A to OMW. This is the most important step you must take. Your W may feel resentful and there may be some kind of backlash, but you have to take the risk as the benefit far outweighs the negatives.
- Make her write a formal NC letter and send it to him. This is important more from the standpoint of her showing true conviction to end A. It does not mean she can immediately turn off her feeling for OM by any means, but it has a official and ceremonial meaning to it.
- Apply all means of snooping and monitoring to make sure she does not deviate from her commitment for NC. You must help her thru this ending her A. The longer she stays NC, the easier it gets for your W to detach her feelings. Remember NC means No Contact of any kind. You have to even eliminate any picture or any gift she may have received that might trigger her to miss OM.
Tell her to go to her lover, pack her clothes for her, and send her out the door---let her know you will NOT be with a woman, who has no respect for you
If she respected you, and the mge, and her family---this would be over
It would not be hard, she just has no reason, to end her love A.---you are not forcing any consequences on her
Do not forget she allowed this man inside her body, in defiance of her vows, she basically said to YOU, by her actions, you are nothing more than a POS
You have not stated there were any great problems with the mge., so why would she wreck the lives of everyone around her, for some cheap sex, , and some whispered sweet nothings, with a mmarried man, that can/never go anywhere.
She chose him over you, and now she still keeps him hanging around----
You want this to work, call her out, draw your line in the sand
Take AWAY her phone, computer, make her responsible to you at ALL times, make her do ALL the heavy lifting, lets see what kind of REAL remorse she shows,, what kind of contriteness there REALLY is, you don't want to hear that she is so sorry, that is pure BS---YOU WANT HER TO BE SORRY---you want selfless, not selfish
Tell her D., is on the table, lets see where she goes when facing the end of her comfortable lifestyle, things may not be good tween the 2 of you, but she sure ain't out there on her own, as she would be if you D'd her
Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:
Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!
Why?
Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.
Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:
"OM's Wife,
Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).
Your Name"
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"
Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the house/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go.
Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.
Inform the OM's wife, get tested for STDs and file for divorce. Your wife is addicted to the OM and after promising you to have no contact with him, she turned around and did it again, this is a second betrayal. If she truly loved you she would have walked through glass to restore your trust in her after promising to end all contact with the OM. You need to man up and let her see that there are consequences to her actions.
I would do this.
You don't have to finalize the D unless you want to but doing this will make her come down from the A and make her panic from losing you.
You can't be nice to her or "understanding", you have to put your foot down and tell her its over then let her try to win you back. As long as she has any feelings at all for the OM there's a chance she will relapse back into the A (technically it sounds like she never ended it).
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Re: Caught her cheating...says she wants me 
