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What do you do when your spouse crosses a boundary?

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#21 ·
The consequence has already happened: your trust and respect have diminished. You need no further action except to keep maintaining your boundary.
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
No? I'm still thinking about it Lon. I honestly feel that whilst what you say is spot-on, with my husband... Well it's not something tangible for him.

When we were talking last night he reminded me of an incident a while ago involving this female friend. We were out one night in town again as part of a large group. She used to smoke, and my husband does. She asked him if he had a light, he was carrying beers back from the bar. He said yeah, but my light's in my pocket.

Now I can't remember whether he said she could get it or she asked or even if she juat did it off her own back, but I then watched as she reached into one of his jeans front pocket and got his lighter out.

I remember being pretty open-mouthed. We had a massive argument about it. I remember him saying then that it really didn't bother him for her to do that, that's "just what she's like."

Remembering this has made me really angry. I am sat here thinking of the many instances now he has either demnstrated poor boundaries on his own part or disrespected mine. What irks me is even with clear communication he is still disrespecting my boundaries. Or as he says he just doesn't think about them.

*throws hands up in air in frustration*
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#23 ·
maybe when he does stuff like this, go over and give a little kick to his nutz. i bet he starts to 'remember' then.

he really seems to have no consideration for you at all, especially when you are with him. god knows what might happen if he is around her and youre NOT there.
 
#24 ·
Wow, I'm sorry but your boundaries are beyond western societal norms. A hug between friends is normal behavior. Your reaction to it is not. If she is such a big flirt and causes you discomfort, then you guys should not socialize with her. But your reaction to a hug in the presence of her boy friend and you is WAY over the top. You might want to look into why you feel this is an issue for you.
 
#25 ·
tobio said:
CandieGirl... It's like an open secret. All parties involved know there are feelings between the female friend and my husband's friend, though not sure how much her boyfriend knows.

She has issues. She seeks attention from men to validate her self-worth. She has a lot of male friends for this attention. She is good-looking as well which helps her. She exudes a vulnerable air which leads a lot of guys to feel protective towards her. She is incredibly tactile and there can be a 'lingering' of the hugs with the guys and she gets closer to the guys by way of personal space than I would like with my husband at times, and in a way with the guys that would be perceived as flirting, ie a hand on the thigh when mentioning someone in a story who's sat next to her, or stroking someone's hair if she notices a new haircut.
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Oh HELL NO!
 
#26 ·
canttrustu said:
Oh HELL NO!
Click to expand...
I honestly cant imagine a woman being THIS ridiculous and being accepted by the other women in the group. I wouldnt tolerate another woman putting her hand on my H's thigh for even one second, NO WAY(totally disrespectful from someone who is supposed to be in a group of 'friends'). And why on earth would your H have trouble seeing why this would bother you? It would bother me even BEFORE my H had his EA let alone AFTER!. Your H doesnt understand b/c he doesnt want to...?
 
#27 ·
tobio said:
No? I'm still thinking about it Lon. I honestly feel that whilst what you say is spot-on, with my husband... Well it's not something tangible for him.

When we were talking last night he reminded me of an incident a while ago involving this female friend. We were out one night in town again as part of a large group. She used to smoke, and my husband does. She asked him if he had a light, he was carrying beers back from the bar. He said yeah, but my light's in my pocket.

Now I can't remember whether he said she could get it or she asked or even if she juat did it off her own back, but I then watched as she reached into one of his jeans front pocket and got his lighter out.

I remember being pretty open-mouthed. We had a massive argument about it. I remember him saying then that it really didn't bother him for her to do that, that's "just what she's like."

Remembering this has made me really angry. I am sat here thinking of the many instances now he has either demnstrated poor boundaries on his own part or disrespected mine. What irks me is even with clear communication he is still disrespecting my boundaries. Or as he says he just doesn't think about them.

*throws hands up in air in frustration*
Posted via Mobile Device
Click to expand...
OMG!!! She reached in his pants???? Right there in front of you??? I would have told HER to back off. Wow, Tobio you are way too nice. I am pretty mello most times but on NO day is some chick reaching into my H's pants for ANYTHING, EVER! I am so sorry youre going thru this. My H has boundary issues as well so I understand your frustration. My H is learning to put up the walls so to speak(IC). Maybe some IC for your H to learn why he needs so much attention from these other women?
 
#28 ·
canttrustu said:
OMG!!! She reached in his pants???? Right there in front of you??? I would have told HER to back off. Wow, Tobio you are way too nice. I am pretty mello most times but on NO day is some chick reaching into my H's pants for ANYTHING, EVER! I am so sorry youre going thru this. My H has boundary issues as well so I understand your frustration. My H is learning to put up the walls so to speak(IC). Maybe some IC for your H to learn why he needs so much attention from these other women?
Click to expand...
Told her to back off? Don't you mean rammed your fist down her throat? She'd be picking her teeth out of her arsehole for a week...sorry. Bad mood today. :mad:
 
#30 ·
I can only imagine seeing someone do this, then my striding over, all 5'11" of me, and grabbing her by the ear, twisting it, and steering her OUT.
 
#31 ·
CandieGirl said:
I can only imagine seeing someone do this, then my striding over, all 5'11" of me, and grabbing her by the ear, twisting it, and steering her OUT.
Click to expand...
well I'm 5'2 and I would do whatever it took to stop that little party.
Seriously, what a brazen b*tch. You DONT touch another womans H like THAT, EVER! And HE allowed it! Holy Moly.
 
#32 ·
did he do and allow this stuff when you were dating?

if yes, that should have been a red flag then.
if no, then it shows he CAN control the situation and he is now ALLOWING it.

this whole thing is more than ridiculous and disrespectful.
 
#33 ·
tobio said:
No? I'm still thinking about it Lon. I honestly feel that whilst what you say is spot-on, with my husband... Well it's not something tangible for him.

When we were talking last night he reminded me of an incident a while ago involving this female friend. We were out one night in town again as part of a large group. She used to smoke, and my husband does. She asked him if he had a light, he was carrying beers back from the bar. He said yeah, but my light's in my pocket.

Now I can't remember whether he said she could get it or she asked or even if she juat did it off her own back, but I then watched as she reached into one of his jeans front pocket and got his lighter out.

I remember being pretty open-mouthed. We had a massive argument about it. I remember him saying then that it really didn't bother him for her to do that, that's "just what she's like."

Remembering this has made me really angry. I am sat here thinking of the many instances now he has either demnstrated poor boundaries on his own part or disrespected mine. What irks me is even with clear communication he is still disrespecting my boundaries. Or as he says he just doesn't think about them.

*throws hands up in air in frustration*
Posted via Mobile Device
Click to expand...
This is the same woman he hugged back the other day? You are right to feel uncomfortable and to treat her as a threat to the marriage - there are lots of maybes, but either way her presence is dissolving your trust and bond with your H.

You need to ask your H to cut her out of your lives. Stop going to social gatherings if she is going to be there, when you host these gatherings make sure she is not invited, and unwelcome. Make it obvious to your friends your dislike for her behavior around your H, make this about her but in private show your H that this is what you will do to anyone he has innappropriate interactions with. Don't worry about being a villain, most others in your circle of friends will actually respect you protecting your marriage.

If your H is reluctant about any of this tell him how much it hurts when he chooses this insignificant woman over the W he chose to make his W, express your emotion to him constantly because as soon as you stop he goes about being insensitive.

be persistent and I suspect it will get easier over time to guard your marital boundaries. Good luck, I know its no easy task but I also know first hand from the way my ex W burned through friends that you can cut people out and life still goes on.
 
#34 ·
How many times had I heard how ridiculous "I" was being because I wasnt comfortable with my wife being close friends with several of her ex's. How some of her girlfriends husbands would stand behind my wife and wrap their arms around her unlike a "Friendly" hug...

I call bullsh!t on all that. Fkers want to play, do it without me.
 
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Jellybeans
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